Bev's Tips for a Better Work Life

Tips for a more rewarding and resilient career

For almost 20 years, Bev has been coaching
professionals to thrive at work, navigate
transitions and grow as leaders.

career success

If political talk at work is making you crazy

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Is chatter about politics

exhausting you at work?

We’ve all heard that it’s not smart to talk about contentious issues, like politics or religion, at the office. Some companies even have rules against discussing political and other potentially inflammatory matters in the workplace.

And most of us agree, at least in theory, that it’s wise to avoid talking politics with your colleagues. And yet in this election season it seems that a rising tide of workers are complaining that it’s tough to escape from distracting, annoying and sometimes upsetting political commentary.

After hearing from coaching clients who are tired of too much talk about the candidates, I looked around for suggestions from people who seem to remain serene despite the cacophony. Among them is Connie East, co-owner of the Thyme Restaurants – including a lively bar – in Culpeper, Virginia. For 20 years I’ve watched Connie remain unruffled while customers try to provoke her with outrageous opinions.

According to Connie, it’s not too hard to politely cope with people who want to impose their views on you. She says the secret is, “Don’t engage.” The key technique Connie suggests is to “Stay neutral. Say something like, ‘Oh, is that what you think?’ Or parrot their words back to them in a calm manner. Then shift the topic to something less volatile.”

I agree that “never engage” is the go-to strategy for coping with overly political colleagues. But the best way to respond may depend on your situation. If too much political talk is getting you down, first diagnose the problem, then try these approaches:

  • If they keep mentioning candidates. It’s easy to ignore the occasional reference to politicians, but if co-workers won’t stop talking about them it’s OK to ask them to cease. The best thing is to be polite but direct. You might say, “I don’t like to talk about politics at work. I find that it’s too easy for me to feel distracted, and I need to concentrate on this deadline.”
  • If they talk too much about everything.   We are in the midst of a highly political season so it’s not surprising the topic keeps coming up. But your basic problem may be co-workers who talk too much about anything in the news, from sports to the weather. While you don’t want to be rude, you can set boundaries. It’s appropriate to say, “I can’t take the time to talk now because I’ve got a deadline.” To keep the conversation on track during meetings, always propose an agenda, and keep sticking to it. If you find yourself frequently cutting off chatty co-workers, but you want to stay friends, show it’s not personal by finding opportunities for them to express themselves. Suggest a lunch or coffee break, and devote that time to listening to whatever they want to say.
  • If you disagree with their opinions. Do you feel uncomfortable because you work with people who think and vote in different ways than you do? It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to stop them from making occasional comments. But you can decide how much to let it bother you. When you can’t just walk away, take a lesson from successful politicians and let the rhetoric just flow on by. Vociferous political speech is part of our culture. You might think of it like the weather – it may get stormy, but it’s not about you, and it soon it will pass.
  • If they start talking at you. If you don’t learn to restrain your kneejerk reaction to their obnoxious partisan comments, there’s a danger that teasing you could become a popular office sport. Some people enjoy arguing about politics but if you don’t, then don’t take the bait. If you stop rising to their remarks, you’ll ruin their fun and they may stop bothering you.
  • If it’s over the top. There’s a difference between annoying, dogmatic dialogue and hate speech. If colleagues describe your favorite candidate as an idiot, that’s not about you and it’s best to let it go. But if they make repeated comments that are racist, homophobic, misogynous or otherwise demeaning to an entire class of people, that certainly can feel like it’s directed at you. Sweeping dismissive comments can create a hostile, unproductive workplace, and you don’t have to put up with it. Go to your boss or the human resources department and let them know about the situation.

The best way to escape a political diatribe can be to walk away or tune it out. But if you find yourself drawn into the conversation, don’t make it worse. Maintain a matter-of-fact, analytical tone and focus on the issues. And never make derisive personal comments, even about your least favorite candidate.

For more tips about smart communications at the office, check out my book, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO.”        


Image by Fotolia by Adobe

Smiling can make your day and boost your career

Posted by Beverly Jones on

This one little thing

can turn around your day

In his popular 1936 book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie offered advice for becoming popular, persuasive and successful. Among the book’s well-known techniques is Principle 2 of his “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” That rule is brief: “Smile.”

Carnegie quoted this Chinese proverb: “a man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” Your smile, he said, “is a messenger of your goodwill,” and a simple way to make a good impression. Carnegie advised us to smile even when we don’t feel like it, because action and feeling go together. If we smile we’ll feel happier, and those around us may as well.

In the roughly 80 years since Carnegie drafted Principle 2, psychologists and other scientists have undertaken countless studies of the human smile. In her fascinating book, “Why Smile?“ social psychologist Marianne LaFrance examined research getting at “what makes smiles so powerful, and powerfully consequential.”

You smile at me, and I’ll smile back at you

It seems that the phenomenon is more complicated than Carnegie realized. LaFrance explains that your smile and the message it carries are shaped in part by your culture. For example, in the American South people smile often, and to stone-faced northeasterners their friendly demeanors may come across as fake. Also, immediate circumstances can shift the way your expression is interpreted. Normally your smile is positive for the person who receives it. But if you flash a big grin when you win the game, it might get under your rival’s skin.

Despite the complexities, however, the research affirms that “smile!” is often excellent career advice. Here are some why’s and how’s of smiling:

  • It feels good. Smiling can increase the release of endorphins and other mood-enhancing hormones. It can calm your heart rate and blood pressure, reduce stress, contribute to a heightened sense of well-being, and support good health.
  • It looks good. When you smile, there’s a better chance other people will perceive you as attractive, likable and memorable. They are also more likely to find you approachable and see you as trustworthy. And they’ll think you look younger.
  • It’s contagious. We are hardwired to mirror each other’s happy looks. When you smile at colleagues or clients, they may automatically return your expression. More importantly, as you exchange smiles with another person, the two of you connect in a more fundamental way. They actually experience the positivity underlying your smile, and as a result could be more satisfied with your conversation.
  • It spreads. If your smile makes a team member feel good, his mood will improve and he’ll be more likely to smile at the next face he sees. The wave of good feeling can become viral, moving from one person to another.
  • Even fakes work. The most powerful smiles are genuine, emanating from deep within you. But social smiles, that require some effort on your part, are effective as well. And they can start a virtuous cycle. If you struggle to smile, but then I smile back, you will respond to my facial expression. Soon your tentative smile can become heartfelt.
  • You can get better at it. The more you practice a positive expression, the more likely it is that you’ll experience spontaneous smiles. The trick is to start your smile from the inside, by thinking about something that makes you feel good. Simple techniques include summoning up the image of a loved one, or remembering a particularly happy event.

If you smile more regularly, the new habit can retrain your brain to see the world in more optimistic ways. The new dose of positivity might boost your creativity and help you to be more productive. An excellent way to get started is to begin each morning with a smile. When you first wake up, summon up a happy thought and practice your best grin. Then your smiles will come more easily for the rest of the day.

 

Get the Jimmy Fallon touch: Be known for good manners

Posted by Beverly Jones on

It’s not just about sipping tea.

Good manners can set you apart.

I was delighted to hear a radio commentator report that The National League of Junior Cotillions selected Jimmy Fallon to top its “Best-Mannered List for 2014.”

According to the League’s website, Fallon was selected as number one “for maintaining the dignity and respect of others through his comedic disposition as host of ‘The Tonight Show.'”

I couldn’t agree more. Part of what makes Fallon so charming is that he invariably seems delighted to be with his guests and determined to help them look good. Much of our enjoyment comes from his intense interest in their success and his whole body laughter at their jokes.

Even if you don’t think he’s funny, how can you help liking Jimmy Fallon? Perhaps social manners like his are so appealing because they are a low-key application of the Golden Rule. The way he interacts with other people seems to say: I’ll be nice to you and I have confidence that you’ll be nice to me.

The ideals of polite behavior may not be discussed in your workplace. But you’ll get the picture if someone describes a colleague as “a real gentleman,” or “a true lady.” We like and enjoy being around polite people because they tend to notice us and are so aware of our needs.

Good manners can start with “thank you”

For a personal brand that sets you apart from the crowd, learn from Fallon. Develop a reputation for treating everyone with respect. Of course what counts most are the big things, like pitching in to support your colleagues in a crisis. But you can enhance your brand by consistently exhibiting good manners in even small ways:

  • Say “hello.” When we are around other people, it’s decent to acknowledge their presence. Your rude coworkers may act like others are invisible. But with a simple “good morning” you can forge a sense of connection and goodwill.
  • Speak with basic courtesy. Your habits of speech say a lot about you:
    • Be quick to say “please” and “thank you,” to everyone.
    • Say “excuse me” if you bump into or must interrupt someone.
    • Avoid profanity and crude language.
    • Praise or congratulate folks on their achievements, even if it requires you to bite back a twinge of envy.
  • Be considerate of others’ time. When people are busy it’s unkind to waste their minutes and hours:
    • Be punctual for meetings and appointments.
    • Respond quickly to invitations (to save time spent on follow-up).
    • Don’t waste time with rants or lengthy accounts of small matters.
    • Don’t play with your phone during a meeting or conversation.
  • Treat colleagues with class: The way you talk about others can shape your reputation:
    • Don’t gossip with coworkers about coworkers.
    • Don’t bad-mouth your boss, your team or your organization.
    • Share credit, paying special attention to junior team members whose work might otherwise go unnoticed.
  • Debate with civility. Disagreement is part of the creative process and responsible professionals aren’t afraid to speak up. But that’s no excuse for being mean:
    • Express criticism in terms of the work or the concept, and avoid making it about the person.
    • When possible, frame your comments in a positive way.
    • Avoid sarcasm because it’s seldom amusing and can lead to misunderstandings.
    • Let the other speak, genuinely listen to their views and imagine what it’s like from their perspective.

People with the Jimmy Fallon touch support cultures where everyone can perform well, enjoy work and collaborate with one another. And other people like being around them.

 

When to stop worrying about status

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Your best work adventures may begin

when you stop worrying about status

It’s normal to want respect from our colleagues. In his classic theory of human motivation, psychologist Abraham Maslow identified the need for esteem as a basic driver of human behavior. And leaders understand how important it can be for team members to feel accepted and valued by the group.

At work, the desire to look like a winner can keep us hustling when we secretly want to just throw in the towel. And praise and appreciation from our peers can make it all feel worth it, once a big push is finished.

Of course the desire to move up and look good brings energy to your career. But sometimes the desire for status or accolades can waste your time or lead you to the wrong choices. Here are five situations when the wiser move may be to let go of your all-too-human yearning for standing or prestige:

  1. When you’re the leader. Have you worked for a manager who was preoccupied with the privileges of her position? Perhaps she’d insist on an early meeting, but then show up late and play with her phone once the discussion began. Weak leaders may play power games to underscore their high station. Stronger leaders tend to treat everyone with respect, focus on the work, and forget about trappings of rank.

  2. When you get a promotion. In the first months of a new role, it may be tempting to talk a lot, to demonstrate your qualifications and knowledge. And it can feel reassuring to show off the power that comes with senior standing. But now that you have the position, be modest about it and concentrate on listening, learning and building relationships.
  3. When a job change could bring opportunities. The idea that your career should keep you moving up some kind of hierarchical ladder is old-fashioned and can be self-destructive. These days, our long professional lives are more complicated and may include lateral shifts and even fresh starts. If you’re starting to feel stuck or insecure on your current track, be open to a change in direction. A short-term loss of grade or title is a small price to pay for a shift that could recharge your professional life. Tell yourself to put aside concerns about what other people think. Eventually smart observers will recognize a good strategic move.
  4. When you’re ready to reinvent yourself. If you want to smoothly navigate a major work life transition, the starting point may be your willingness to look like a beginner. I struggled with this when I chose to retire from law and business and start a new career as an executive coach. As an attorney, I drew confidence from my areas of expertise. I had to reframe my thinking before I was comfortable going back to school to learn something new.
  5. When you feel anxious or obsessed. It’s healthy to want respect from others, but self-respect is even more important. If you need public recognition in order to feel good about yourself, it may be time for reflection or counseling. A neurotic need for prestige, or an outsize fear of embarrassment, can make you miserable and jeopardize the success you want so much.

If you find yourself frequently worrying about the symbols of your status, maybe it’s time to find a new balance? A simple exercise is to make a list of things in your life that matter most, like your relationships, your good health, the activities that keep you going, and your spiritual life.

 

Kerry Hannon shows you how to love your job

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Feeling the workplace blues?

Try 7 tips  for making work fun again

Author Kerry Hannon has written two books and countless articles about following your heart to find the work you love. In the last few years Hannon has traveled across the country, interviewing folks who have reinvented their work lives and speaking frequently about how to navigate career transitions.

Kerry Hannon

Hannon says that many people love the dream of starting over with a different kind of career. But the truth is that often a big shift may not be practical. In her latest book, Hannon has changed gears to focus on how you can make your current job more satisfying.

“Love Your Job – The New Rules for Career Happiness“ is Hannon’s guide for people looking to find or reignite purpose and joy in their work. She says, “If you want to be happier, you have to do something, to take action.” That doesn’t always mean a big swerve from the past. “It does, however, often call on the courage to make necessary but sometimes uncomfortable and even painful changes.”

If you want to find more fun and meaning at work, here are seven ways to get started:

  1. Begin with a journal. Hannon suggests you dedicate a notebook or computer file to your “Job Remodeling Journal.” Launch your effort by writing for 20 minutes every day for a week. Let yourself go, as you talk about what you’d love to see in your dream job. Perhaps you might list people who seem happy at work so you can ask them about what they love in their career. Next, try writing about the times your professional life was most rewarding. Hannon recommends that you create a “budget” in which you list the pros and cons at work. From there, start planning action steps for building on the best parts of your job and addressing the liabilities.
  2. Know when it’s burnout. Sometimes you’re feeling miserable but the problem is not really that you hate your job. As you journal you may realize that the biggest issue is that you’re just too tired. Job burnout can be experienced as physical, emotional or mental exhaustion combined with self-doubt and uncertainty about the value of your work. If you’re feeling burned-out, the solution must start with you, and goes beyond what happens at the office. Consider taking a vacation, or perhaps a series of shorter breaks. And look closely at your health and fitness programs.
  3. Stop complaining. According to Hannon, “It’s remarkably easy to fall into the trap of whining and grumbling about a boss, coworker, or employer, but it rarely makes things better.” Her advice is blunt: “Do something. Get over it.” Sometimes you can’t make progress until you “stop the looping chatter.” Hannon suggests that you read over your journal, looking for the specific things you can change. Start working on those aspects of your job by identifying small steps.
  4. Get in shape financially. Human resources professionals say that personal financial challenges are a frequent cause of employee stress, poor health and low productivity. If money problems keep you up at night, your work suffers. On the other hand, Hannon says, being financially fit gives you the freedom to make choices. As a result, “You are not trapped and held ransom by your paycheck.” Hannon urges you to do what it takes to eliminate debt. The relief can transform your work life.
  5. Enrich your job. Hannon says if you make a number of small tweaks to your current job it will become more interesting and full of opportunity. As a start, stay informed about the trends in your field. “Just being in the know can inspire you to think of projects and tasks.” Also, find ways to do even more of the kind of work you like best. And at the same time search for additional kinds of duties. When they ask you to take on another task, “accept the invitation gratefully … and then figure out how to do it,” she says. Another strategy for job enhancement is to network more actively with colleagues. Reach out to people you don’t know well, look your coworkers in the eye, find opportunities to smile and chat, and keep building new connections.
  6. Create more flexibility. “When I ask people to name one thing that would make them happier about their jobs, they say independence in some way, shape or form,” Hannon says. The option to work flexibly gives us a sense of autonomy, and that is a good way to make your work life immensely more enjoyable. Two increasingly popular ways to give you back some control are telecommuting and flexible work schedules. “When you feel trapped and micromanaged in your office environment, the sense of control of your own time and virtual freedom can do wonders to help you get reconnected with your work again,” she says.
  7. Learn new tricks. “If you’re feeling stuck in your job and don’t know what to do next, charge up your brain cells,” Hannon says. Even if you have only a hazy notion of what interests you, start exploring libraries, classes or the Web and learn something new.

The core message Hannon wants you to take away from her book is that “you can turn it around and rebound from your malaise or grim work environment.You have to own it. You consciously choose whether to continue being unhappy or pick an alternate path and change it up, even if it’s in baby steps.”

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When not to worry about being a sychophant

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Afraid of looking like a “suckup”?

8 times you should get over it.

One of the greatest TV characters ever was Eddie Haskell, Wally Cleaver’s oily conniving friend on “Leave It To Beaver.” Eddie was an archetype who no decent person wants to resemble — a two-faced sycophant, always scheming and currying favor to promote his plans.

The fear of looking like a brown noser is so powerful among professionals that sometimes they shy away from obvious opportunities to make a friend or pursue a goal. Among my clients, it seems that the people who worry most about looking like Eddie Haskell are the modest straight shooters.

Are you one of those who is reluctant to offer a heartfelt tribute for fear it will be taken as apple-polishing? Do you avoid voicing sincere admiration because people might think you have a hidden agenda? If so, you’re probably overreacting.

Here are 8 situations when you should get over your fear of sucking up:

  1. When they’re your customers. Whether you’re a techie or an accountant, remaining upbeat and sometimes even a little complimentary can be part of how you offer excellent service. As you think about how to pitch your remarks, recall a meal where you received superb service in a restaurant. Chances are your server was flatteringly attentive, without being obsequious or intrusive. You can refine your conversational tone by noticing what makes you feel well cared for when you’re the one paying the bill.
  2. When it’s a boss. Are you reluctant to say “good job” to the big boss because you don’t want to seem sycophantic? Well, consider what it’s like from that boss’s perspective. Maybe she worked her way into this job because she’s the kind of person who is motivated by getting A’s. Now, however, if everybody is afraid to applaud her achievements she may start to feel unappreciated. It’s not healthy or smart when the whole team is reluctant to give a leader honest positive feedback. Stop being so self-conscious and allow yourself to be as nice to your boss as you are to your other colleagues.
  3. When you’re supporting a positive environment. Research suggests that people are most productive in a workplace where a substantial majority of the comments are affirmative. Humans tend to over-respond to negative cues and may do their best work when about two-thirds of the feedback they receive is good. If you consistently contribute to the environment by keeping most of your words authentically upbeat, people won’t regard your praise as manipulative.
  4. When you want to make new friends. As long as you’re not being untruthful or over-the-top, it’s OK to express respect or gratitude to a person you’d like to know better. Finding something nice to say is a polite and acceptable way of building a relationship.
  5. When it’s wise to avoid conflict. Some people are never going to be your friends but you have to find a way to get along with them anyway. If they are annoying, you may make things even worse if you indulge in complaints. If they are bullies, you may attract more torture if you let them see your pain. When you’re dealing with difficult people, a good starting point can be to talk yourself into a mood of relaxed confidence. Then look for the good things about them, so you can diffuse the tension with a compliment that is genuine and on target.
  6. When you owe them an apology. There are moments when groveling is justified. Like when you forgot an important deadline, or said something dreadful at the office holiday party. It’s OK to cringe and humble yourself when you want forgiveness for doing something truly wrong.
  7. When it would be kind. It is always appropriate to put people at ease or calm their anxiety, regardless of their rank or yours. If empathy makes you want to offer a flattering remark, don’t be put off by concern about how observers may judge your motives. And if you can’t say anything nice maybe you really shouldn’t say anything at all.
  8. When you feel shy. When some people say, “I don’t want to suck up,” the real truth is that they are afraid to step forward. If you feel reluctant to speak up, look more closely at your motives. Do you actually think it would look bad or is it just that the thought of drawing attention to yourself gives you butterflies? It’s OK to be fearful. But make a smart, conscious choice about how you will respond to that fear.

If you do mean it, and you want to say it, don’t hold back from offering praise or thanks just because cynics might criticize you.