Bev's Tips for a Better Work Life

Tips for a more rewarding and resilient career

For almost 20 years, Bev has been coaching
professionals to thrive at work, navigate
transitions and grow as leaders.

personal growth

How to succeed by treating everybody like a Somebody

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Here’s a simple rule for success:

Treat everyone like they matter

The Foster Harris House is a lovely little Inn and restaurant in the tiny, historic town of Washington, Virginia. For the new owner, Klaus Peters, running the House is a post-retirement labor of love.

Innkeeper Klaus Peters, with Executive Chef Dawn Sieber, and Director of Operations Zoe Sieber.

Klaus is a distinguished gray-haired man with a bit of an accent and a beaming smile. Before his “boring” short-lived retirement, Klaus enjoyed a long and successful career managing some of the country’s top hotels, like the Watergate and The Fairfax at Embassy Row, both in Washington DC.

But Klaus started his career in hospitality at the bottom, as a 14-year-old kitchen apprentice. His German father had lost his job and money during World War II, so in the late 1950’s young Klaus had to help support the family. Eventually he worked his way up to a waiter’s job in Paris, and at age 18 he answered an ad to become a waiter at a Texas hotel.

Klaus told me that in those days in Europe, if you were a German at the low end of a hierarchy, you were treated like a non-entity. He recently wrote in a LinkedIn post, “In 1964, I arrived in Houston as a ‘Nobody’ server, at the Hotel America … making $3.50 a day plus tips…I had low self-esteem and thus became arrogant to cover up my insecurities. I don’t believe that I was liked by too many people.”

But then a miracle happened. He was given the opportunity to serve dinner to the hotel manager, Earl Duffy, and his guests.

“Just imagine, Mr. Duffy greeted me by name and introduced me to his guests and his guests to me,” Klaus wrote.

“WOW, this had never happened to me before. Mr. Duffy respected me and treated me like an equal. To him and his wife, I was a “Somebody”. The way he made me feel, totally changed my personality and the way I would treat subordinates in the future,” he said.

Klaus’ life was transformed by the realization that you can shift another person’s sense of self, and behavior, by focusing on them and treating them with respect. So Klaus adopted the rule, “treat everybody like a Somebody.” And by the time he was 26 he was managing a Florida resort, and greatly enjoying a career built around making other people happy.

Klaus understands that leadership is not as simple as respecting each team member. Not only must you motivate your colleagues, but you must share the vision and give them the resources they need. But “treat everybody like a Somebody” is a mantra that can take you a long way, in your career as well as the rest of your life. Here are some reasons the practice is so powerful:

  • Expressing gratitude makes you both feel better. Research makes clear that when you experience a feeling of gratitude your stress goes down and you become more optimistic. And expressing gratitude is even more powerful than simply feeling grateful. So when you treat a person “like a Somebody” by thanking them, and you mean it, you boost your happiness as well as theirs.
  • Modeling civility creates a productive culture. When workers routinely experience rude or demeaning behavior, their stress can skyrocket and the level of their performance may plummet. They are likely to spend less time at work, they may lose their creativity and commitment to the mission, and they could take out frustrations on customers. But leaders who model civility, treating every team member “as a Somebody,” can dramatically change the culture. When they approach everyone with respect, listen intently, and smile often, they set a tone that supports achievement.
  • Noticing people makes them feel better. In our busy society, folks may have little time or opportunity for real conversation, they may feel unseen and unheard, and loneliness is rampant, even in crowded workplaces. People who feel invisible and marginalized are not likely to do their best work, or appreciate the efforts of others. But those who feel valued often want to help. I have watched the way Klaus charms people by providing them his full attention. He tells his inn guests, “we’re in the business of making you feel good.” And part of the way he accomplishes that is by making each individual feel as though they matter.
  • Paying attention helps you improve. Offering attention to other people is not effective if you are just going through the motions. Treating a person like they count requires that you truly listen to what they say, and you notice what they may need. That careful observation can help you spot problems, improve processes and policies, and at the same time build your expertise.

Klaus says he loves his new life at the Foster Harris House, partly because he loves the hospitality business. During his retirement years he missed the engagement with guests and the sense of making a difference. Beyond that he loves to deliver comfort and warmth and a top quality experience, in a small, friendly community where he can get to know everybody. For him, making everybody feel like a Somebody “is an absolute pleasure.”

Overcome 7 common reasons you don’t network

Posted by Beverly Jones on

How to move beyond your

excuses for not networking.

You already know that, for most professionals, a broad, diverse social network is vital to career success.

Career support is just one of the benefits that tend to flow to a person with many connections. The importance of being embedded in a vibrant network is so great that social scientists are studying how it impacts the uneven distribution of opportunity and wealth in our society.

In their fascinating book, “Connected,” professors Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler say that, “Positional inequality” occurs not because of who we are but because of who we are connected to. These connections … often matter more than our race, class, gender, or education.”

We’re all connected, some more than others. (Image by apinan via fotolia)

 “To address social disparities, then, we must recognize that our connections matter much more than the color of our skin or the size of our wallets. To address differences in education, health, or income, we must also address the personal connections of the people we are trying to help,” they say.

Their research supports what self-help experts have long been saying. In order to improve our job satisfaction, as well our overall well-being, we should consciously tend our web of relationships, always seeking to broaden our circle, while also staying in touch with those we already know.

But even when we understand the importance of networking, we may put it off or avoid it altogether.

If you’re like me, when you pass on a chance to meet and greet, you can probably come up with a plausible reason. But if you want to get serious about expanding your network, it’s time to challenge some of those rationales. Here are seven common excuses for not networking, as well as the reasons you should get out there and mingle anyway.

  1. I hate networking events. There are benefits from meetings designed so that participants can exchange business cards and stories. But there’s no need to attend if you don’t want to. Most networking happens when people are focused on something else. The crowds of volunteers who traveled last month to help Texas hurricane victims did not have networking on their minds. Yet countless enduring relationships were forged as people worked side-by-side to rescue and assist Harvey’s victims.
  2. I already have friends, and I don’t even have time to see them. Certainly it’s valuable to keep up a flow of communications with people you already know. But network scientists suggest that an “open,” varied network is a key predictor of career success. If you just hang out with the old gang, in the same industries or the same religion, your network is “closed” and your worldview may be narrow. With a closed network, you will miss countless chances to expand your knowledge and find opportunities a little further afield.
  3. I’m too busy working. One of the reasons to network is to become more effective at work. You’ll learn more, and trigger new ideas, as you expand your circle, and that may help you manage priorities and be more creative. And even when you can’t get out of the office, you can find ways to network during the meetings that you already must attend. Arrive early, chat with other attendees, and during each session engage in the discussion instead of staring at your phone.
  4. I’m not good at small talk and I hate talking about myself. Even very shy people can be fantastic networkers if they are interested in other people. Most folks you meet will enjoy talking about themselves, at least if you make it easy. So go to each event with a few questions in mind. Shift the focus to the others with simple queries like, “how do you know the host?” or “what did you like best about the speaker?”
  5. The only people who’ll meet for coffee are the ones who can’t help me. Stalking people who are already in demand is a rookie mistake. Your goal in networking is to become acquainted with a wide variety of people. And every single person is important. You cannot predict who is connected where, or will be one day. Maybe you can’t get a lunch date with that busy executive, but you can get to know a junior person in the same field. And one day you may be able to help each other.
  6. It’s scary to go to an event where you don’t know a soul. It can be daunting to be a stranger in a place where everybody else seems to know someone. Your anxiety may be partly genetic, and perhaps when you enter the room your brain triggers a bigger-than-average release of stress hormones, like adrenaline or cortisol. But you can learn to get past that kind of fear by practicing in relatively easy circumstances, then gradually increasing the challenge. Start by going alone to an undemanding get-together, like an easy class, and work up to more intimidating situations.
  7. I’m uncomfortable with people who are that different. It may not be easy to interact with those who don’t think like you. But if you can take a few deep breaths and endure the discomfort, it could be worth it. The ping of angst you feel when you contemplate attending a different kind of gathering may be a nudge from your unconscious that this opportunity is worth considering. You’ll grow if you notice your fear, find a way to calm down, and then move ahead by focusing on listening.

Networking isn’t about begging short-term help or racking up a brag-worthy list of connections. It’s about talking with folks wherever you go, learning from a wider range of people, and building and nurturing a variety of relationships.

For more career tips, check out my podcast, “Jazzed About Work,” produced by WOUB Media and distributed on NPR.

Loneliness adds to career burnout

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Are you sick and tired of work?

Is feeling lonely one reason why?

Millions of Americans often feel alone, and it’s making them ill. In 2016, Dr. Vivek Murthy, then U.S. Surgeon General, sounded an alarm. “Despite the ubiquity of social media, we are facing an epidemic of loneliness and social isolation,” he said.

According to Murthy, social connection is a critical component of “emotional well-being,” a “powerful resource within each of us that can reduce our risk of illness, improve our performance, and enable us to be resilient in the face of adversity.”

We all walk alone sometimes (Image by Sanderson via Fotolia)

The link between connection and overall health is becoming increasingly clear. Research suggests that people with rewarding social relationships are more likely than their peers to recover quickly from illness and live a long life. Connected people have lower levels of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and chronic negativity.

On the other hand, the health consequences of feeling isolated can be dramatic, from disrupted sleep to a compromised immune system.

And the modern plague of isolation is having an impact on our workplace. In addition to struggling with issues like diminished cognitive performance, it appears that lonely people more frequently suffer from exhaustion or disengagement on the job.

The association between loneliness and professional burnout can be complicated and difficult to chart. When my new clients talk about their disaffection at work, they seldom begin by using the word “lonely.” But often, as we keep talking about their unhappiness or lack of productivity, social isolation becomes a recurring theme.

Sometimes the root cause of your loneliness may seem obvious. Perhaps you were thrilled by an opportunity to telecommute, but now you feel bored, stale or out-of-touch, without regular opportunities to hang out with co-workers. Or maybe you work in an office that is so busy that nobody has time to chat.

In some cases it’s the nature of your job that leaves you feeling cut off from other people. In my May 25, 2017, podcast, Jazzed About Work, WOUB Media chief and former Athens, Ohio, Municipal Court Judge Tom Hodson talked about how lonely it can be to run a courtroom, undergo intense scrutiny and make difficult judicial decisions. Professional isolation is a necessary part of sitting on the bench, Hodson said, but it carries over to every part of a judge’s life. “You can’t just turn it on and off,” he said. The sense of being separate can touch all your relationships, including those with your family. And the strain can wear you out.

The sheer busy-ness of success may also leave you feeling lonely. Journalist Billy Baker heard from readers around the world after his March 9, 2017, Boston Globe Magazine article on how loneliness is a bigger threat than smoking or obesity for middle-aged men. Baker wrote that many of his close friendships had slipped away “as I structured myself into a work-family-work cycle that had left me feeling like a middle-aged loser starved for my guys.”

In his March 23 follow-up to the blockbuster story, Baker said the intense response to his article was a wake-up call. He started “making vows and making plans and reconnecting with old friends – many of whom reached out after reading the article. These, experts will tell you, are the exact steps you need to take to get friendships back on track, and they have immediate positive effects on your health.”

If you’re lonely in any part of your life, it could indeed undercut your health as well as your ability to be at your creative best in your professional life. If you’d like to feel more connected, consider these strategies:

  • Try something new. If you’re not meeting new people, take some steps to get out of your rut. Even if it feels a little scary, go to different places, join a club or class, or make an effort to connect with a lonely-seeming colleague. It may take a few tries to expand your circle, so don’t give up if your first efforts lead to dead ends.
  • Volunteer. You may be surrounded by a crowd, yet still feel lonely, if you are not engaged with people who share your values and interests. Volunteering can give you an opportunity to work alongside like-minded people. And it can feel good to be needed.
  • Tend existing relationships.   You can address that all-alone feeling without adding a long list of names to your social network. Follow Baker’s example and make plans to spend time with people you already know and care about. You be the one to send out invitations for lunch, dinner or some kind of shared activity
  • Change how you treat others. If you’re feeling isolated, your emotions may be nudging you to examine the way you’re interacting with the people you see. If you’re too busy to smile and say “hello,” if you avoid handshakes and eye contact, or if you’d rather be in your room with the door closed, then your attitude is part of the problem. Focus on other people, listen to what they say, and be alert for ways to say “thanks” or offer a little help.

We all feel lonely some of the time. It is so human. When a sense of isolation hits you, notice the feeling, then respond with the kind of compassion you would offer to a close friend. And think about your next action steps.

For more tips on creating a rewarding work life, check out my book, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO,” a Career Press best seller.

Learn how to accept tough feedback

Posted by Beverly Jones on

You can become more at ease

with criticism of your work

During my first coaching session with “Jodie,” a talented scientist, she expressed frustration about not getting the challenging assignments she thought she deserved. She theorized that she might be a victim of gender discrimination. Or perhaps she wasn’t respected because her Ph.D. was from a university some regarded as second-tier.

I heard a different story when, with Jodie’s permission, I interviewed some of her current and former colleagues. It was clear that Jodie’s accomplishments and credentials were widely respected. But people were reluctant involve her in demanding or innovative projects because she was so overly sensitive to criticism.

One colleague liked Jodie personally but suggested it could be exhausting and time-consuming to work with her. “When we start something new, it’s normal to make false starts. Somebody comes up with an idea, we try it out, and if doesn’t work the team gets together to pick it apart. But when Jodie’s on the team she’s so defensive that we all have to walk on egg shells.”

Criticism hurts – if you let it (image (c)olly via Fotolia)

As we spoke, Jodie became aware that her inability to accept negative feedback was limiting her professional growth. And she acknowledged that she had long found it difficult to accept criticism, not only at work but also with her friends and family. A harsh comment could make her feel physically ill, and might send her mind racing with protests and catastrophic predictions.

Jodie found that her employer’s family assistance program would subsidize the cost of weekly counseling to help her learn how to better manage her visceral response to any disparaging comment. She felt some relief when she understood that it’s normal for people to react more strongly to just a bit of criticism than they might to lot of praise. Soon she was learning to manage both the angry, defensive voice in her head, and the physical pain she felt when it seemed like she was under attack.

Meanwhile, in the context of coaching, Jodie developed this plan to overcome her reputation as someone too delicate to be part of a problem-solving team:

  • Recruit support. Jodie scheduled individual meetings with several trusted colleagues to let each know that she was working to get better at accepting negative feedback. She said she was becoming more comfortable in an environment where people typically make well-meaning but blunt suggestions about each other’s work. She asked for both patience and suggestions about how to engage in the give-and-take normal among the high performers in her group. And she requested that colleagues not to try to keep her away from situations where they thought her feelings might get hurt.
  • Pause before responding. During counseling, Jodie noticed how her defensive reaction to criticism tended to quickly build until she couldn’t seem to contain it. As she became better at spotting her emotional build-up, she learned to take a few deep breaths instead of immediately expressing her anger. She found that if she waited a day or two, criticism might feel less like a personal assault and more like a useful suggestion. And if she felt particularly wounded, she might soothe herself with a treat, like arranging for a massage, or taking her husband out for a nice dinner.
  • Stand in the speaker’s shoes. Once Jodie slowed down her quick response to criticism, she then tried to look at it from the standpoint of the critic. Sometimes she would write an analysis because that helped her to be objective. She would address questions like:
    • Who made the comment? Did it come from her boss, who might be typing to help her? From someone with expertise different from hers? And does the speaker have goals that are valid, although not the same as hers?
    • What might she learn from the comment?
    • Was the remark truly about her work or idea, or did it say more about the mood of the person who spoke? If it was just a casual comment from someone having a bad day, she might just let it go.
  • Define the goal of any response. Once she paused and thought about the criticism, Jodie would decide whether something could be gained from answering back. She wouldn’t indulge in venting. But if an important point were at stake, she would frame her arguments in a positive and strategic way.
  • Practice accepting corrections. To become better at remaining detached from the emotional impact of criticism, Jodie decided to practice in situations where the risks were low. She signed up for a creative writing course and learned to keep her cool when it was her turn to have an assignment critiqued by the class. And she joined a knitting group where more experienced knitters helped her to untangle the mistakes she made with her needles.

It’s normal to feel defensive when people criticize you. But feeling insulted is painful and doesn’t get you anywhere. With practice you can develop a thicker skin. You can choose to let go of your hurt feelings and refocus on the work product or concept under discussion.

Self-growth tips from a great American coach – Ben Franklin

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Want to be better person?

Learn from Ben Franklin!

 I love sitting in a train compartment, sipping a glass of wine and glancing at the scenery as we read or chat.  So a while back I felt mellow, as my husband and I rode the Amtrak Capitol Limited from Washington to Chicago. 

 We sat reading in bed as the train traveled through Pennsylvania. Along the way, I was reminded that the Keystone State was the adopted home of one of our most intriguing Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin.

 Moving from Kindle to paper, I jumped around my reading stack, from a self-help book, to periodicals, to a novel.  In that brief time, I happened to come across three references to Franklin.   

Benjamin Franklin free image via Wikipedia.org
Benjamin Franklin free image via Wikipedia.org

For me, Franklin was an important influence, not so much for his great historic contributions but because of how he coached himself into living a successful life.  As a kid, I read his autobiography, where he described his youthful efforts to become a man who would do well by doing good.  Riding in the train, I recalled that book, and the “aha” moment when I realized we can shape ourselves into the kind of people we want to be.

One way Franklin helped form the national character was through that posthumously published memoir.  He said he wrote it to teach Americans how to grow into their full potential.  In his view, practice and a little help from our friends can make us better, more successful people.  [Read more…] about Self-growth tips from a great American coach – Ben Franklin

Say “thank you” when they praise your work.

Posted by Beverly Jones on

 To keep the compliments coming

learn to accept them gracefully.

I grew up believing the proper way to respond to a compliment was with modesty.  If somebody said, “What a pretty dress,” my response was something like, “Oh, this cheap old thing?”

When I was a young lawyer, if I worked long hours on a tough memo and a partner said, “You did a nice job,” I was inclined to answer in the same way.  I’d belittle my efforts by saying something like, “No big deal” or, “It was really a team effort.”

My typical response was wrong in so many ways.  For one thing, it reframed the partner’s assessment of the quality of my work.  Instead of reading my mind and understanding that I’d struggled hard to produce a first class draft, the partner would tend to take me at my word and recall the project as not a big deal.

Beyond that, when I deflected the positive feedback I drained the energy from what should have been a happy moment.  When the partner offered kind words, I made him feel a little bit bad, instead of a little better.   And I denied myself the benefits that a compliment can bring.

It wasn’t until I became a manager myself that I understood how the compliment exchange should go.  To your brain, receiving a compliment is a reward, like a little cash, and research suggests that you perform even better after accepting a reward.  So your first step after hearing a compliment is to pause for an instant, and get the full value of the moment.

When you do open your mouth to respond, you have two goals: to reinforce the positive evaluation that led to the compliment, and at the same time to make the giver feel good. Here are suggestions for accepting compliments on your work:

  • Say “thanks.”    Begin your response by saying “thank you.”  And sound like you mean it.  Even if a little voice in your head says, “I don’t deserve it,” or, “He doesn’t mean it,” ignore your doubt.  Smile and express appreciation for the compliment.
  • Show your pleasure at a job well done.  It’s not immodest to acknowledge satisfaction with good work.  After saying “thanks,” you might add a brief phrase like, “I’m proud of this one,” or “I’m so pleased that I could help.”
  • Share the credit.  Although you don’t want to deny your contribution, you don’t want to hog the limelight, either.  If it truly was a team effort, share the praise. Add a simple comment like, “I couldn’t have done it without Tom – he was terrific.”
  • Return the compliment.  You can prolong the nice moment by offering a compliment in return.  Say something like, “Your good advice made such a difference.”  But this only works if your words are sincere.  Fake praise can be just another way of deflecting a compliment.
  • Keep it short. When the compliment exchange goes on too long it can become uncomfortable.  If the flow of praise feels unending, it’s OK to turn it off with a light comment like, “Aww…  That’s enough now.  You’re making me blush.”
  • Respond quickly to email compliments.   Positive feedback may flow to you via email or through an in-house channel. To keep the sender feeling good about making the gesture, get back to them immediately. You might say something like: “Thanks so much for your kind words. As always, your support means a great deal to me.”
  • Manage your “impostor syndrome.”  Sometimes high achievers find it extremely difficult to hear praise, believing they don’t really deserve it.  If you feel like an imposter, and not really good enough to deserve such kind words, ignore your discomfort and accept the compliment gracefully.  Then try these easy techniques for learning to be comfortable when your work gets rave reviews.

Saying “thank you” can be powerful in so many situations.  Try these tips for saying “thanks” or “good job” to your colleagues.

And click here for strategies to make your praise and “thank you” really count.

For more tips on responding to praise for your work, see this brief video (one of my career tips from the garden).

And for even more career guidance, see my Career Press best seller, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO.”