Bev's Tips for a Better Work Life

Tips for a more rewarding and resilient career

For almost 20 years, Bev has been coaching
professionals to thrive at work, navigate
transitions and grow as leaders.

managing emotions

Quit saying “If only”

Posted by Beverly Jones on

 Two plaintive little words

can keep holding you back.

“If only I’d done more networking, I’d be able to find a new job.”

“If only they’d stop bothering me with trivial meetings, I could finish this project.”

“If only I’d gotten that promotion, I wouldn’t hate this company.”

“If only I were younger, I bet they’d listen.”

One of the more self-destructive phrases to use in discussing your work life is “if only.” And yet we hear it all the time, and maybe even say it ourselves.

These two words might simply mean that if we had done one thing we could have avoided big problems down the road. At times the assessment can be accurate, like if you find yourself saying, “If only I had studied I probably would have been a better student.”

But frequently the phrase is weighted with mournful meaning that goes far beyond what the words seem to say. “If only” can suggest that you are in despair about the past and are dissatisfied with the present. People who say “if only” seem to be throwing up their hands, casting blame for the current situation and declining responsibility for creating change.

“If only” resonates with woulda, coulda, shoulda. It feels like the speaker is bogged down in a yesterday that can’t be changed. Or is immersed in a today that is out of control, when what would be helpful is taking steps toward a better tomorrow.

Maybe you occasionally say “if only” out loud when you’re at work. Or perhaps it’s a silent refrain that pops into your head when you’re worrying in the middle of the night, making you to feel even more sorry for yourself.
You’ll be a happier, more productive person if you get over the “if only” habit. Start here:

  • Don’t use it as an excuse. You’ll sound like you’re not coping if you tell your boss or client, “If only we had more time we could do a better job.” Reword your sentence to suggest that you are aware of the problem and are taking action: “Here’s our plan to manage the time pressure.”
  • Don’t use it to throw blame on someone else. You may come across as a nag and undercut your goals if you say, “if only you could get to the office on time, we might get more done.” Instead, propose an action plan: “Let’s set the schedule so we can be sure to finish before the deadline.”
  • Don’t use it to avoid tough facts. It’s normal to wish that things were better, and to think, “if only I were smarter/thinner/younger/richer.” But you can actually make things better once you accept that you are what you are, or embrace the reality that the situation is what it is. When you hear the “if only” lament bubbling up, ask yourself: “What can I do today to start moving in a new direction?”
  • Refocus on the future: Saying “if only” can be a sign that you’re getting stuck in the past. If that sounds like you, then learn to resist the temptation to wallow in the same old set of problems.   First, think of a more useful phrase, like: “what do I do next?” Any time you feel “if only” on the tip of your tongue, replace the two words with your alternative phrase. And when you shift your attention to the future, work on your list of helpful action items.

When you are in an “if only” mood, it may be a sign that it’s time to rebalance the way you think about days gone by. For the next few days, try noticing how much attention you focus on the past, rather than looking to future or enjoying what is happening right now.

Bev wrote the Career Press best-seller, Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO. Her career podcast, Jazzed About Work, was produced by WOUB Digital and is heard on NPR.org.

Loneliness adds to career burnout

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Are you sick and tired of work?

Is feeling lonely one reason why?

Millions of Americans often feel alone, and it’s making them ill. In 2016, Dr. Vivek Murthy, then U.S. Surgeon General, sounded an alarm. “Despite the ubiquity of social media, we are facing an epidemic of loneliness and social isolation,” he said.

According to Murthy, social connection is a critical component of “emotional well-being,” a “powerful resource within each of us that can reduce our risk of illness, improve our performance, and enable us to be resilient in the face of adversity.”

We all walk alone sometimes (Image by Sanderson via Fotolia)

The link between connection and overall health is becoming increasingly clear. Research suggests that people with rewarding social relationships are more likely than their peers to recover quickly from illness and live a long life. Connected people have lower levels of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and chronic negativity.

On the other hand, the health consequences of feeling isolated can be dramatic, from disrupted sleep to a compromised immune system.

And the modern plague of isolation is having an impact on our workplace. In addition to struggling with issues like diminished cognitive performance, it appears that lonely people more frequently suffer from exhaustion or disengagement on the job.

The association between loneliness and professional burnout can be complicated and difficult to chart. When my new clients talk about their disaffection at work, they seldom begin by using the word “lonely.” But often, as we keep talking about their unhappiness or lack of productivity, social isolation becomes a recurring theme.

Sometimes the root cause of your loneliness may seem obvious. Perhaps you were thrilled by an opportunity to telecommute, but now you feel bored, stale or out-of-touch, without regular opportunities to hang out with co-workers. Or maybe you work in an office that is so busy that nobody has time to chat.

In some cases it’s the nature of your job that leaves you feeling cut off from other people. In my May 25, 2017, podcast, Jazzed About Work, WOUB Media chief and former Athens, Ohio, Municipal Court Judge Tom Hodson talked about how lonely it can be to run a courtroom, undergo intense scrutiny and make difficult judicial decisions. Professional isolation is a necessary part of sitting on the bench, Hodson said, but it carries over to every part of a judge’s life. “You can’t just turn it on and off,” he said. The sense of being separate can touch all your relationships, including those with your family. And the strain can wear you out.

The sheer busy-ness of success may also leave you feeling lonely. Journalist Billy Baker heard from readers around the world after his March 9, 2017, Boston Globe Magazine article on how loneliness is a bigger threat than smoking or obesity for middle-aged men. Baker wrote that many of his close friendships had slipped away “as I structured myself into a work-family-work cycle that had left me feeling like a middle-aged loser starved for my guys.”

In his March 23 follow-up to the blockbuster story, Baker said the intense response to his article was a wake-up call. He started “making vows and making plans and reconnecting with old friends – many of whom reached out after reading the article. These, experts will tell you, are the exact steps you need to take to get friendships back on track, and they have immediate positive effects on your health.”

If you’re lonely in any part of your life, it could indeed undercut your health as well as your ability to be at your creative best in your professional life. If you’d like to feel more connected, consider these strategies:

  • Try something new. If you’re not meeting new people, take some steps to get out of your rut. Even if it feels a little scary, go to different places, join a club or class, or make an effort to connect with a lonely-seeming colleague. It may take a few tries to expand your circle, so don’t give up if your first efforts lead to dead ends.
  • Volunteer. You may be surrounded by a crowd, yet still feel lonely, if you are not engaged with people who share your values and interests. Volunteering can give you an opportunity to work alongside like-minded people. And it can feel good to be needed.
  • Tend existing relationships.   You can address that all-alone feeling without adding a long list of names to your social network. Follow Baker’s example and make plans to spend time with people you already know and care about. You be the one to send out invitations for lunch, dinner or some kind of shared activity
  • Change how you treat others. If you’re feeling isolated, your emotions may be nudging you to examine the way you’re interacting with the people you see. If you’re too busy to smile and say “hello,” if you avoid handshakes and eye contact, or if you’d rather be in your room with the door closed, then your attitude is part of the problem. Focus on other people, listen to what they say, and be alert for ways to say “thanks” or offer a little help.

We all feel lonely some of the time. It is so human. When a sense of isolation hits you, notice the feeling, then respond with the kind of compassion you would offer to a close friend. And think about your next action steps.

For more tips on creating a rewarding work life, check out my book, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO,” a Career Press best seller.

Successful people listen & manage their emotions

Posted by Beverly Jones on

 

How do super achievers do it? 

&

What can we learn from them?

Have you ever wondered what makes super successful people different from the rest of us? Just how do some celebrities, business leaders and others rise to the very top of their chosen fields? Camille Sweeney and Josh Gosfield explored this question in their intriguing book,  ”The Art of Doing – How Superachievers Do What They Do and How They Do It So Well.” 

The authors, who are married, started wondering about amazing achievers in the context of a multi-media art project. Gosfield, a fine artist, had dreamed up the career of a fictional ‘60s French pop star, Gigi Gaston.  As he invented and documented Gigi’s path to success, he and journalist Sweeney began to ask themselves: What is success? And who gets it?

Instead of reading up on theories about success, the authors decided to go to the source and ask successful people how they do what they do.  They interviewed dozens of accomplished people, all at the top of their fields.  The result is the book’s 36 entertaining mini portraits of “superachievers.”

Last week in Wisconsin, Gosfield and Sweeney shared key lessons from their research at Conversation Among Masters, a conference of senior executive coaches.  Their initial goal was to uncover what makes top achievers unique.   But after months of interviews with a broad mix of highly successful people, what they found most interesting is that these extraordinary folks share many core principles and practices. [Read more…] about Successful people listen & manage their emotions