Bev's Tips for a Better Work Life

Tips for a more rewarding and resilient career

For almost 20 years, Bev has been coaching
professionals to thrive at work, navigate
transitions and grow as leaders.

business etiquette

If political talk at work is making you crazy

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Is chatter about politics

exhausting you at work?

We’ve all heard that it’s not smart to talk about contentious issues, like politics or religion, at the office. Some companies even have rules against discussing political and other potentially inflammatory matters in the workplace.

And most of us agree, at least in theory, that it’s wise to avoid talking politics with your colleagues. And yet in this election season it seems that a rising tide of workers are complaining that it’s tough to escape from distracting, annoying and sometimes upsetting political commentary.

After hearing from coaching clients who are tired of too much talk about the candidates, I looked around for suggestions from people who seem to remain serene despite the cacophony. Among them is Connie East, co-owner of the Thyme Restaurants – including a lively bar – in Culpeper, Virginia. For 20 years I’ve watched Connie remain unruffled while customers try to provoke her with outrageous opinions.

According to Connie, it’s not too hard to politely cope with people who want to impose their views on you. She says the secret is, “Don’t engage.” The key technique Connie suggests is to “Stay neutral. Say something like, ‘Oh, is that what you think?’ Or parrot their words back to them in a calm manner. Then shift the topic to something less volatile.”

I agree that “never engage” is the go-to strategy for coping with overly political colleagues. But the best way to respond may depend on your situation. If too much political talk is getting you down, first diagnose the problem, then try these approaches:

  • If they keep mentioning candidates. It’s easy to ignore the occasional reference to politicians, but if co-workers won’t stop talking about them it’s OK to ask them to cease. The best thing is to be polite but direct. You might say, “I don’t like to talk about politics at work. I find that it’s too easy for me to feel distracted, and I need to concentrate on this deadline.”
  • If they talk too much about everything.   We are in the midst of a highly political season so it’s not surprising the topic keeps coming up. But your basic problem may be co-workers who talk too much about anything in the news, from sports to the weather. While you don’t want to be rude, you can set boundaries. It’s appropriate to say, “I can’t take the time to talk now because I’ve got a deadline.” To keep the conversation on track during meetings, always propose an agenda, and keep sticking to it. If you find yourself frequently cutting off chatty co-workers, but you want to stay friends, show it’s not personal by finding opportunities for them to express themselves. Suggest a lunch or coffee break, and devote that time to listening to whatever they want to say.
  • If you disagree with their opinions. Do you feel uncomfortable because you work with people who think and vote in different ways than you do? It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to stop them from making occasional comments. But you can decide how much to let it bother you. When you can’t just walk away, take a lesson from successful politicians and let the rhetoric just flow on by. Vociferous political speech is part of our culture. You might think of it like the weather – it may get stormy, but it’s not about you, and it soon it will pass.
  • If they start talking at you. If you don’t learn to restrain your kneejerk reaction to their obnoxious partisan comments, there’s a danger that teasing you could become a popular office sport. Some people enjoy arguing about politics but if you don’t, then don’t take the bait. If you stop rising to their remarks, you’ll ruin their fun and they may stop bothering you.
  • If it’s over the top. There’s a difference between annoying, dogmatic dialogue and hate speech. If colleagues describe your favorite candidate as an idiot, that’s not about you and it’s best to let it go. But if they make repeated comments that are racist, homophobic, misogynous or otherwise demeaning to an entire class of people, that certainly can feel like it’s directed at you. Sweeping dismissive comments can create a hostile, unproductive workplace, and you don’t have to put up with it. Go to your boss or the human resources department and let them know about the situation.

The best way to escape a political diatribe can be to walk away or tune it out. But if you find yourself drawn into the conversation, don’t make it worse. Maintain a matter-of-fact, analytical tone and focus on the issues. And never make derisive personal comments, even about your least favorite candidate.

For more tips about smart communications at the office, check out my book, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO.”        


Image by Fotolia by Adobe

Get the Jimmy Fallon touch: Be known for good manners

Posted by Beverly Jones on

It’s not just about sipping tea.

Good manners can set you apart.

I was delighted to hear a radio commentator report that The National League of Junior Cotillions selected Jimmy Fallon to top its “Best-Mannered List for 2014.”

According to the League’s website, Fallon was selected as number one “for maintaining the dignity and respect of others through his comedic disposition as host of ‘The Tonight Show.'”

I couldn’t agree more. Part of what makes Fallon so charming is that he invariably seems delighted to be with his guests and determined to help them look good. Much of our enjoyment comes from his intense interest in their success and his whole body laughter at their jokes.

Even if you don’t think he’s funny, how can you help liking Jimmy Fallon? Perhaps social manners like his are so appealing because they are a low-key application of the Golden Rule. The way he interacts with other people seems to say: I’ll be nice to you and I have confidence that you’ll be nice to me.

The ideals of polite behavior may not be discussed in your workplace. But you’ll get the picture if someone describes a colleague as “a real gentleman,” or “a true lady.” We like and enjoy being around polite people because they tend to notice us and are so aware of our needs.

Good manners can start with “thank you”

For a personal brand that sets you apart from the crowd, learn from Fallon. Develop a reputation for treating everyone with respect. Of course what counts most are the big things, like pitching in to support your colleagues in a crisis. But you can enhance your brand by consistently exhibiting good manners in even small ways:

  • Say “hello.” When we are around other people, it’s decent to acknowledge their presence. Your rude coworkers may act like others are invisible. But with a simple “good morning” you can forge a sense of connection and goodwill.
  • Speak with basic courtesy. Your habits of speech say a lot about you:
    • Be quick to say “please” and “thank you,” to everyone.
    • Say “excuse me” if you bump into or must interrupt someone.
    • Avoid profanity and crude language.
    • Praise or congratulate folks on their achievements, even if it requires you to bite back a twinge of envy.
  • Be considerate of others’ time. When people are busy it’s unkind to waste their minutes and hours:
    • Be punctual for meetings and appointments.
    • Respond quickly to invitations (to save time spent on follow-up).
    • Don’t waste time with rants or lengthy accounts of small matters.
    • Don’t play with your phone during a meeting or conversation.
  • Treat colleagues with class: The way you talk about others can shape your reputation:
    • Don’t gossip with coworkers about coworkers.
    • Don’t bad-mouth your boss, your team or your organization.
    • Share credit, paying special attention to junior team members whose work might otherwise go unnoticed.
  • Debate with civility. Disagreement is part of the creative process and responsible professionals aren’t afraid to speak up. But that’s no excuse for being mean:
    • Express criticism in terms of the work or the concept, and avoid making it about the person.
    • When possible, frame your comments in a positive way.
    • Avoid sarcasm because it’s seldom amusing and can lead to misunderstandings.
    • Let the other speak, genuinely listen to their views and imagine what it’s like from their perspective.

People with the Jimmy Fallon touch support cultures where everyone can perform well, enjoy work and collaborate with one another. And other people like being around them.

 

When not to worry about being a sychophant

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Afraid of looking like a “suckup”?

8 times you should get over it.

One of the greatest TV characters ever was Eddie Haskell, Wally Cleaver’s oily conniving friend on “Leave It To Beaver.” Eddie was an archetype who no decent person wants to resemble — a two-faced sycophant, always scheming and currying favor to promote his plans.

The fear of looking like a brown noser is so powerful among professionals that sometimes they shy away from obvious opportunities to make a friend or pursue a goal. Among my clients, it seems that the people who worry most about looking like Eddie Haskell are the modest straight shooters.

Are you one of those who is reluctant to offer a heartfelt tribute for fear it will be taken as apple-polishing? Do you avoid voicing sincere admiration because people might think you have a hidden agenda? If so, you’re probably overreacting.

Here are 8 situations when you should get over your fear of sucking up:

  1. When they’re your customers. Whether you’re a techie or an accountant, remaining upbeat and sometimes even a little complimentary can be part of how you offer excellent service. As you think about how to pitch your remarks, recall a meal where you received superb service in a restaurant. Chances are your server was flatteringly attentive, without being obsequious or intrusive. You can refine your conversational tone by noticing what makes you feel well cared for when you’re the one paying the bill.
  2. When it’s a boss. Are you reluctant to say “good job” to the big boss because you don’t want to seem sycophantic? Well, consider what it’s like from that boss’s perspective. Maybe she worked her way into this job because she’s the kind of person who is motivated by getting A’s. Now, however, if everybody is afraid to applaud her achievements she may start to feel unappreciated. It’s not healthy or smart when the whole team is reluctant to give a leader honest positive feedback. Stop being so self-conscious and allow yourself to be as nice to your boss as you are to your other colleagues.
  3. When you’re supporting a positive environment. Research suggests that people are most productive in a workplace where a substantial majority of the comments are affirmative. Humans tend to over-respond to negative cues and may do their best work when about two-thirds of the feedback they receive is good. If you consistently contribute to the environment by keeping most of your words authentically upbeat, people won’t regard your praise as manipulative.
  4. When you want to make new friends. As long as you’re not being untruthful or over-the-top, it’s OK to express respect or gratitude to a person you’d like to know better. Finding something nice to say is a polite and acceptable way of building a relationship.
  5. When it’s wise to avoid conflict. Some people are never going to be your friends but you have to find a way to get along with them anyway. If they are annoying, you may make things even worse if you indulge in complaints. If they are bullies, you may attract more torture if you let them see your pain. When you’re dealing with difficult people, a good starting point can be to talk yourself into a mood of relaxed confidence. Then look for the good things about them, so you can diffuse the tension with a compliment that is genuine and on target.
  6. When you owe them an apology. There are moments when groveling is justified. Like when you forgot an important deadline, or said something dreadful at the office holiday party. It’s OK to cringe and humble yourself when you want forgiveness for doing something truly wrong.
  7. When it would be kind. It is always appropriate to put people at ease or calm their anxiety, regardless of their rank or yours. If empathy makes you want to offer a flattering remark, don’t be put off by concern about how observers may judge your motives. And if you can’t say anything nice maybe you really shouldn’t say anything at all.
  8. When you feel shy. When some people say, “I don’t want to suck up,” the real truth is that they are afraid to step forward. If you feel reluctant to speak up, look more closely at your motives. Do you actually think it would look bad or is it just that the thought of drawing attention to yourself gives you butterflies? It’s OK to be fearful. But make a smart, conscious choice about how you will respond to that fear.

If you do mean it, and you want to say it, don’t hold back from offering praise or thanks just because cynics might criticize you.


How to give powerful positive feedback

Posted by Beverly Jones on

 Eight tips on how to say

“Thanks!” or “Good job!”

Humans are inherently social, and all healthy people have a deep need for acceptance and appreciation.  At work, even confident people may begin to feel uncertain and uneasy if they seldom receive explicit positive feedback

My client “Josh,” the  general counsel of a federal agency, didn’t understand the human need for recognition.  Finally, he came to coaching after a staff survey helped him realize that most of his junior lawyers felt under-appreciated. They had real concerns about his leadership style, and they said that his disinterest was undercutting their ability to do good work.

Josh’s initial reaction was defensive and disdainful.   He said, “Grown-up lawyers shouldn’t expect gratitude just for doing excellent work. They get paid, don’t they? And when I don’t comment they should know everything is OK, because I always tell them when they screw up.”

We spoke about how people yearn for recognition, and why they are likely to do their best when they feel that their efforts are appreciated. And I pointed to numerous studies demonstrating that people will be more productive in a positive work environment.

Eventually Josh agreed to try an experiment. Every workday he put three quarters in his pocket. Each time he thanked or complimented a team member, he could remove one coin. And he couldn’t go home until his pocket was empty.

After the first week, Josh said he was enjoying the experiment more than he had expected. But he still felt awkward saying “thanks,” so he was looking for more occasions to practice. He began to say “thank you” at home, in the coffee shop, and wherever he went on the weekend.

great job stampThe more Josh practiced, the more comfortable he felt offering thanks and positive feedback. And he was having fun with it. He said, “the amazing thing is not that it makes them happy, but that it makes me happy, too.” He noticed that saying “thanks” in an authentic way actually made him feel more grateful and that experiencing gratitude can be life changing.

Soon Josh quit carrying the quarters because he no longer needed them. He said he was addicted to his “thank you” habit, and it had changed the way he looked at many parts of his life.

Well-crafted words of thanks and praise can serve as powerful positive reinforcement, guiding and supporting your colleagues to achieve, change and grow. By regularly thanking or acknowledging people for their work, you can help to shape a more positive and collaborative office environment, even if you’re not the boss.

These eight tips can help build your “thank you” habit into a powerful leadership tool:

[Read more…] about How to give powerful positive feedback

4 strategies for handling 9 types of annoying email

Posted by Beverly Jones on

Want to get a better grip on

email that wears you down?

 emailIt’s not just that you’re getting too much email.  A bigger deal is the way it can ruin your mood, contribute to a toxic environment and change the structure of your work life.

 From so many coaching clients, I hear growing frustration about how other people’s poor email etiquette can drain your energy. Would your days be better without email abuses like these? [Read more…] about 4 strategies for handling 9 types of annoying email

Say “thank you” when they praise your work.

Posted by Beverly Jones on

 To keep the compliments coming

learn to accept them gracefully.

I grew up believing the proper way to respond to a compliment was with modesty.  If somebody said, “What a pretty dress,” my response was something like, “Oh, this cheap old thing?”

When I was a young lawyer, if I worked long hours on a tough memo and a partner said, “You did a nice job,” I was inclined to answer in the same way.  I’d belittle my efforts by saying something like, “No big deal” or, “It was really a team effort.”

My typical response was wrong in so many ways.  For one thing, it reframed the partner’s assessment of the quality of my work.  Instead of reading my mind and understanding that I’d struggled hard to produce a first class draft, the partner would tend to take me at my word and recall the project as not a big deal.

Beyond that, when I deflected the positive feedback I drained the energy from what should have been a happy moment.  When the partner offered kind words, I made him feel a little bit bad, instead of a little better.   And I denied myself the benefits that a compliment can bring.

It wasn’t until I became a manager myself that I understood how the compliment exchange should go.  To your brain, receiving a compliment is a reward, like a little cash, and research suggests that you perform even better after accepting a reward.  So your first step after hearing a compliment is to pause for an instant, and get the full value of the moment.

When you do open your mouth to respond, you have two goals: to reinforce the positive evaluation that led to the compliment, and at the same time to make the giver feel good. Here are suggestions for accepting compliments on your work:

  • Say “thanks.”    Begin your response by saying “thank you.”  And sound like you mean it.  Even if a little voice in your head says, “I don’t deserve it,” or, “He doesn’t mean it,” ignore your doubt.  Smile and express appreciation for the compliment.
  • Show your pleasure at a job well done.  It’s not immodest to acknowledge satisfaction with good work.  After saying “thanks,” you might add a brief phrase like, “I’m proud of this one,” or “I’m so pleased that I could help.”
  • Share the credit.  Although you don’t want to deny your contribution, you don’t want to hog the limelight, either.  If it truly was a team effort, share the praise. Add a simple comment like, “I couldn’t have done it without Tom – he was terrific.”
  • Return the compliment.  You can prolong the nice moment by offering a compliment in return.  Say something like, “Your good advice made such a difference.”  But this only works if your words are sincere.  Fake praise can be just another way of deflecting a compliment.
  • Keep it short. When the compliment exchange goes on too long it can become uncomfortable.  If the flow of praise feels unending, it’s OK to turn it off with a light comment like, “Aww…  That’s enough now.  You’re making me blush.”
  • Respond quickly to email compliments.   Positive feedback may flow to you via email or through an in-house channel. To keep the sender feeling good about making the gesture, get back to them immediately. You might say something like: “Thanks so much for your kind words. As always, your support means a great deal to me.”
  • Manage your “impostor syndrome.”  Sometimes high achievers find it extremely difficult to hear praise, believing they don’t really deserve it.  If you feel like an imposter, and not really good enough to deserve such kind words, ignore your discomfort and accept the compliment gracefully.  Then try these easy techniques for learning to be comfortable when your work gets rave reviews.

Saying “thank you” can be powerful in so many situations.  Try these tips for saying “thanks” or “good job” to your colleagues.

And click here for strategies to make your praise and “thank you” really count.

For more tips on responding to praise for your work, see this brief video (one of my career tips from the garden).

And for even more career guidance, see my Career Press best seller, “Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO.”