Blog

Number 133

According to Dr. Dan Baker, the rapidly growing field of positive psychology is “the study of the good life.” While clinical psychology focuses on what’s wrong with people, positive psychology focuses on what’s right with them. It builds on an individual’s strengths to create an even more satisfying and meaningful life.

What may be most intriguing about the field is that it encompasses simple, accessible approaches that anyone can use to create greater happiness. The starting point is the realization that you can change the way you look at the world.

Our brains are hard-wired for fear, which makes sense because being fearful helped our ancestors survive. But perceiving the world through a veil of fear is not a healthy way for us to go through life today. We can adopt a more positive approach to life by managing our “self-talk” – the repetitive, often negative thoughts that flow constantly through our consciousness.

Baker says, “A good rule to follow in self-talk is to talk to yourself the way you want others to talk to you.” For example, do you want your best friend to say, “you’re gonna screw up” or “you’re too fat”? If not, don’t talk that way to yourself.

Unhappy people “pervert the power of self-talk by painting unrealistically ugly verbal pictures of their world.” They say things like, “I’ll never get a job,” or “everything happens to me.” You can listen for those negative refrains in your own mind, and replace them with more realistic, positive statements.

Here are more suggestions from Dr. Baker:

• Decrease fear with an “appreciation audit.” If you’re feeling worried, devote three to five minutes thinking about things that you deeply appreciate. It can be anything from your children to chocolate. A good technique is to list five items in a specific category, like “favorite people” or “things I’m looking forward to.” When your brain is focused on the good stuff, anxiety and worry automatically shut down.
• Avoid these traps. You can build up your power over your negative emotions, as well as over events in your world. Dr. Baker suggests that you start by finding ways to take action in a situation that troubles you. He says, however, that you are unlikely to increase your personal power if you indulge in self-talk that reflects any of these extremely common self-sabotaging beliefs:
  • I’ve been victimized
  • I’m entitled to more
  • I’ll be rescued
  • Someone else is to blame
• Choose optimism. Baker suggests that “If you find yourself walking a fine line between optimism and pessimism” try these tools “to help you move closer to the optimistic tipping point”:
  • Switch thoughts. As soon as pessimistic thoughts come into your head, quickly replace them with positive ones.
  • Switch gears. When problems arise, instead of bemoaning them, consider the possibilities and set out to solve the problems.
  • Switch friends. Avoid people who drain your energy by judging you, belittling you, or just overloading you with their problems.
  • Walk the walk. Act as if things are great, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When someone asks how you are, answer, “terrific.”

Number 132

Since he opened the Union Square Café at age 27, Danny Meyer has been putting his stamp on the competitive New York City restaurant business. Today his company owns 11 of the City’s most beloved restaurants, and Danny and the group have won an unprecedented 19 James Beard awards.

Meyer is known not just for those fine establishments, however. Business students and aspiring entrepreneurs look to him as the author of “Setting the Table – The Transforming Power of Hospitality in Business.”

His 2006 book is not only a fascinating autobiography, rich in accounts of wonderful meals in Europe and across the U.S. It also is a useful guide for people running service businesses, or anyone who wants to provide stellar service and effective leadership within an organization. Here are a few tips from Meyer:

• Provide hospitality, not just service. Meyer says that nothing is as important as how one is made to feel in any business transaction. Customers experience “hospitality” when they believe the other person is on their side – when something happens for them, and not just to them. “Service” describes how well things are done, and what is delivered to a customer. But “hospitality” goes further, to reflect the way that delivery of a product makes the recipient feel.
• Turn mistakes around. Even in first class operations like Meyer’s, mistakes happen and customers sometimes are disappointed. The trick is to “write a great last chapter,” so that customers remember not only what went wrong but also the great way that the episode was handled. For example, if a waiter spills wine on a customer’s jacket, Meyer’s team might send it out for one-hour cleaning, while entertaining the customer with extra -- and complimentary – courses. You cannot change what happened, but you can create a new ending so that the story finishes in a way that works for you. Here are Meyer’s five “As” for addressing mistakes:
  • Awareness – Notice what happened.
  • Acknowledgement – Confess the truth, such as with, “Our server had an accident and we’ll bring a new plate as soon as possible.”
  • Apologize -- Say you are sorry (but don’t make excuses).
  • Action – Say what you will do to make amends, and follow through.
  • Additional generosity – Offer something complimentary to show that your apology is sincere.
• Hire 51 percenters. Meyer attributes much of his success to careful hiring. He says that the only way a company can grow, while “staying true to its soul,” is to hire and keep great people. In selecting staff, he looks for people whose skills are divided about 51:49 “between emotional hospitality and technical excellence.” He seeks people “who naturally radiate warmth, friendliness, happiness and kindness.”

Number 131

Everybody understands that the Web can play a critical role in shaping your career. And social networking tools can allow you to present your individual brand to potential employers and ciients, and even friends and colleagues.

But before you start spreading the word on sites like Facebook or LinkedIn, the first step in “personal branding” should be to develop a deep understanding of what you want your brand to be.

In commerce, a “brand” identifies a product or service in a way that captures its purpose, intent and strengths. Sometimes a brand statement can be summed up with a great slogan, like “Don’t leave home without it” or “Plop, plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is.”

You might think of your personal brand as a short statement of who you are and the strengths that you bring to each encounter. To state your brand, consider your values, your history, and the characteristics that make you unique. A good way to do this can be to write a longer portrait of yourself, then distill it to its essence.

Create a brand statement that not only captures what you want to communicate to others, but also establishes standards that you want to meet. As you work to define your brand, consider these questions and strategies:

• Be positive. Focus on your strengths and visualize the person you can be when you are at your very best. Your own sense of self worth can have a tremendous impact on the way others evaluate your capabilities and potential.
• Get real. Good brand statements are authentic. Just as product brand statements fall flat when they are full of lies, individual statements work only when they are honest. It doesn’t mean that you must invariably live up to your brand, so much as that you are committed to working in that direction.
• Recall great moments. Think about a time or a project when you delivered the goods – when you knew that you were successful, and so did others. Ask yourself what was you did well, and what you were like at that time.
• Find models. Think of people you respect, identify the characteristics that set them apart, and ask yourself how you can be like them.
• Plan for your dream job. Think about the position that you would like to hold in five or ten years. Ask what kind of person you will need to be in order to succeed in a job like that.
• Talk behind your back. Imagine that a potential employer or client is asking people to evaluate your suitability for a fantastic opportunity. What do you hope that your friends and clients are saying about you?
• Ask your friends. Sometimes it is easier for other people to recognize your strengths and see what makes you special. Ask people you trust to share their perception of your brand.

Number 130

Are you a woman professional who finds that some of your female colleagues act like they resent your success? Or worse, are they blocking your progress? Or, do you dread going to work because of a workplace bully?

For decades women have been bumping into the occasional “Queen Bee,” who acts like she should be the only woman on her professional turf. And as women continue to work their way into the higher reaches of the professional world, it is inevitable that some of them will treat each other badly. After all, they are people. And some people are more flawed than others.

The media are full of clichés where girls and women like the “Real Housewives” trash each other. And some human resource professionals are concerned that these cultural images are translating into aggression and oppression in the workplace.

It is difficult to generalize. Despite reports of widespread problems, there is contrary evidence. For example, a classic UCLA study suggested that while men tend to get into “fight or flight” mode in the midst of office stress, women may respond differently. It seems that the hormone oxytocin, released as part of women’s stress response, encourages bonding and nurturing. So when a woman is faced with crisis, her own chemistry might encourage her to calm down, nurture children and hang out with other women.

Among those exploring why some women oppress their femaie colleagues are Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan Rosenberg, who wrote “Mean Girls, Meaner Women: Understanding Why Women Backstab, Betray, and Trash-Talk Each Other and How to Heal.”

They theorize that both mean little girls and grown women who hurt other women may be suffering from self-hatred that is linked to rigid gender roles. Girls can develop low self-esteem when they are trapped by “double binds” that leave them no correct choice. For example, they may feel that they should comply with traditional female stereotypes and yet also must compete successfully with boys.

If you are troubled by Mean Girls at work, consider these strategies:

• Develop self awareness. Noticing your hurt or angry feelings can help you to let them go. Consider keeping a journal in which you describe your emotions and explore choices for moving forward. Read about “Emotional Intelligence” and learn to better manage your own EI.
• Reach out to other women. The best antidote to Mean Girl behavior may be solid friendships with other women. If there is nobody to turn to at the office, make it a top priority to cultivate women friends in other spheres of your life. You should be the one to take responsibility for staying in touch.
• Break the cycle. Sometimes when women are hurt by women they respond by treating lower ranking females in ways that demean, exclude or devalue them. Wherever you are in the hierarchy, you can start change by looking for opportunities to support women. If there is nobody to mentor at work, consider Big Sister or other programs that will connect you with those who could use your help. When you support other women, the sense of connection supports you in return.
• Don’t let bullies defeat you. Most workplace bullies are men, but when women do engage in bullying behavior they tend to pick on other women. Of course, the first rule is to avoid bullies when you can. When that is not possible, don’t let them get that charge that comes from hurting you. Meditation and other techniques can help you learn to stay calm and centered, which may frustrate the bully and cause her to move along to somebody more vulnerable.