Blog

Number 157

In “Mirroring People,” neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni writes about groundbreaking research into “mirror neurons,” smart cells in our brains that allow us to understand others. When we watch and listen to other people, these remarkable cells in our brains fire in a way that is synchronized with the cells in their brains.

When we’re fully engaged in a conversation, we imitate each other’s expressions and body language. We even automatically negotiate the meaning of certain words, so that we develop a shared understanding that may differ from dictionary definitions.

Iacoboni says “the words and the actions in a conversation tend to be part of a coordinated, joint activity with a common goal.” In effect, our mirror cells can transport us into another’s mind.

While Iacoboni’s book provides a careful look at the research, in “Just Listen” psychiatrist and coach Mark Goulston draws on science in order to offer practical tips for connecting with other people.

Goulston says that not only do we endlessly mirror other people, but also we desperately need to have others mirror us. He writes, “We constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back.”

In today’s world, Goulston says, most people walk around with a “deep ache” to be seen, heard and understood. So if you can make someone “feel felt,” he says, you can break down barriers and reach others in ways that can be transformative.

A key to getting through to another person is to listen deeply and be genuinely interested in what he or she is saying. According to Goulston, the first step is to “stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can.”

Before you can really listen, you need to get out of your own way. Typically when we meet people we put them in a mental box before we even know them. Our tendency to categorize people creates filters that limit our ability to hear them.

The solution, Goulston says, is to “Think about what you’re thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you’ve formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions.”

When you are able to really listen, you have a tool for dealing with difficult people. Goulston says that most high maintenance, difficult-to-please people feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough. They don’t feel “felt” or important. “People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron receptor deficit, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets.”

In short, Goulston says, “these people are driving you crazy for a simple reason: they need to matter.” If you want them to stop driving you crazy, you’ll need to satisfy that need. A quick fix can be to tell them that what they are saying is important, and thank them, letting them know that they have made a difference in your life.

Number 156

In “The Inner Game of Stress,” visionary coach Tim Gallwey teams up with two physicians to explore simple practices that can enhance health, productivity and well-being.

The authors explain that stress can threaten many aspects of your physical and psychological health, preventing you from reaching your full potential. Then they describe practices to help you manage stress and overcome barriers to success throughout your life.

A key premise is that we all play games inside our heads, whether we realize it or not. And the stress we experience may stem not just from outer games, like moving ahead at work, but also from the voice in our own mind, which Gallwey calls the “Stress Maker.”

That nagging voice in your head can create upheaval in any situation, making a difficult experience much worse than it needs to be. For example, if you don’t get a plumb assignment, stress may come not so much from the loss of that work as from the story you tell yourself about how your boss’s decision means you’re a loser.

Gallwey illustrates the power of the Stress Maker with an old story about a farmer whose mule breaks down. He decides to ask a neighbor if he can borrow a mule to plow his fields. While walking to the neighbor’s house, he starts to imagine the critical things the neighbor will say, like “Why can’t you take care of your own mule?” He gets so worked up anticipating a negative response that when the neighbor opens the door he punches him, crying, “You bastard!”

The Stress Maker wants you to automatically buy into the worst case. The trick in fighting back is to recognize that voice for what it is. Say to yourself, “That’s not me speaking.” You are the one who is listening, and you can choose to ignore the voice, replacing it with other words.

The more you learn to differentiate the voice of the Stress Maker from yourself, the more relaxed you will feel, and the greater your access to your own wisdom. Gallwey’s “Inner Game” offers a path for escaping from the tyranny of the Stress Maker. He says the Game is based on three principles of learning:

• Awareness. If you know where you are going, simply being aware of where you are now will show you the next steps to take. You can develop awareness by placing attention on your current situation, noticing variables like your attitude and your intentions. You can build self awareness by keeping a log of thoughts, feelings or other observations.
• Choice. To be aware is one choice. You choose to not deny truth. Conscious choice becomes available as soon as you realize that you have it. You have the ability to select your attitude and summon up feelings like gratitude. A useful exercise is to bring your awareness to your unconscious choices, including those that might contribute to your stress level. Then write about your commitment to make alternative choices likely to lead to other outcomes.
• Trust. Awareness tells you where you are. Choice can tell you where you want to be. And trust in your own resources, inner and outer, can help move you there. We trust ourselves naturally, believing that our hearts will beat and our lungs will breathe. But our trust can be threatened when the Stress Maker stimulates self-doubt, anger or confusion. In a challenging circumstance you can address stress by making a list of what you trust in the situation. Reflect on whether it is worthy of trust, and on where your trust may come from.

Gallwey says that in coaching athletes and others, his favorite technique is the STOP tool. The idea is to address a stressful situation by giving yourself a brief “timeout,” much like you would do by counting to 10. The tool is comprised of four parts:

• Step back. Pause, and put some distance between you and the situation.
• Think. Ask what is the truth about what is happening? Notice what is causing you to feel stress in this situation. What are your priorities, options and obstacles?
• Organize your thinking. Describe a plan of action. Identify your next steps.
• Proceed. Move forward, based on your conscious choice. Find clarity, get out of the stress reaction, and only then begin to act.

Number 155

Your career is never static – you are either growing or you are losing ground. Although you may have the good fortune to be settled in a job you love, it is wise to keep striving because staying the same is probably not a long term option.

Even if you’re satisfied with your current pay grade, I suggest you have a strategy for increasing your salary. By taking steps to maximize your compensation, you can generate energy to keep your career moving forward. As you shape your salary development plan, consider these suggestions:

• Add more value. Often, the best way to grow your pay is to grow your job. Look for additional ways you can make a contribution, even if it means shouldering tasks that others don’t want. Help colleagues who are experiencing a crunch, and volunteer to cover for them during vacations.
• Keep learning. Be the person who is always aware of trends and new developments in your field. Read broadly. Look for opportunities to build new skills and areas of expertise. Go to conferences and training programs. And take courses, even if you must pay your own way.
• Help your boss succeed. Know what your boss needs from you, and make sure you deliver it. Understand your boss’s goals and priorities, and the pressures he or she may be facing from above. When you spend time with your boss, be an energy boost instead of an energy drain.
• Seek and act on feedback. Ask your boss for constructive criticism and for suggestions about how you might make a bigger contribution. Then respond by working on the areas that were discussed. For example, if your boss says that your reports are great but would be more useful if they arrived on time, make timeliness your theme. And as you take steps to address any suggestions, ask about how you are doing. A boss who feels involved in your improvement may feel proud and more eager to reward you.
• Develop a higher profile. Go to events, build your network and look for writing and speaking opportunities. Volunteer to join committees. Go out of your way to congratulate others on their successes. Whether it means joining the softball team or commenting on an industry blog, find a path to greater visibility. You are less likely to be overlooked at salary review time if you are well known both within and beyond your organization.
• Make an economic case. The time may come when the only way to get a raise is to ask for it. When you do so, be prepared with a strong case that your contribution is worth more in terms of the marketplace. Research the business environment, and develop a sense about supply and demand and current pay rates in your field. Understand how your contribution is aligned with the most important goals of your organization. Your boss may have to work hard to find money for raises, and will need facts to justify a change.
• DON’T whine or re-visit ancient history. The workplace environment is tougher than it used to be. Pitiful and sentimental pleas won’t work. Neither will empty threats. When it comes time to ask for a raise, DON’T use lines like these:
  • My spouse thinks I deserve more money.
  • I have been here a long time.
  • When I came on board you promised me upward mobility.
  • I never get my fair share.
  • Somebody else will pay me more (unless you really do have an offer in hand).

Number 154

Your network of contacts can support every phase of your life. The world’s great networkers seem to go through life with a special ease. They have many sources of advice and support, no matter what challenges they face. But even if you were not born as a great networker, you can add richness to your life by treating your network as a vital resource.

The first step is to visualize your network not just as a list of names, but rather as a community of real people with whom you have some kind of link. The art of networking is not just about collecting business cards and Twitter followers, but rather about truly – if briefly – focusing upon and connecting with other individuals.

Recently I asked some of the best networkers I know about how they are so effective in building relationships. My husband, Andy Alexander, has been surprising me for decades with the breadth of his network. So I asked him how he does it.

First, Andy said, as a journalist he is in the information business and he recognizes that every person he meets is a potential source. More fundamentally, he said, he enjoys meeting a variety of people, and believes that you can create a more interesting life by constantly seeking to broaden your circle of acquaintances.

But how, I asked, do you manage to stay in touch with so many folks? He says he tries to maintain three habits:

• Show up. If somebody you know is planning an event or something else they think is important, Andy says, try to be there.
• Admire. If an acquaintance does something well, let them know you noticed and offer congratulations.
• Help. If you see that somebody needs help, don’t wait for them to call. Assume that they’d be there if you were in need, and find a way to reach out.

Carol Ryder is an old friend who seems to go through life surrounded by an active and lively network, so I asked her for some tips. She responded, “Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. Don't know how you cannot have social media tools in the mix---it's the medium for meeting, mixing, messaging.”

But Carol has been networking since before they invented the Web, so I don’t believe that it is only her current favorite e-tool that allows her to stay in touch with hundreds of people (including her 476 Facebook friends). When I looked at her page, I noticed that while interacting on Facebook Carol uses the same techniques she employs while circulating at a party:

• Show affection. Carol is not afraid to call you “honey,” and her greetings are warm, whether live or virtual.
• Take note. Carol is aware when you’re sick and when you’re celebrating, and she finds ways to let you know that she is watching.
• Use humor. People read Carol’s posts for the same reason they gravitate to her at an event – she is very funny.
• Talk about yourself. Carol is not afraid to show off a little, and because she can do it with a light touch her friends enjoy it.

I asked for advice from another friend who is an adroit networker, although she is not a born extrovert like Andy and Carol. Being more introverted, she didn’t want me to mention her name, but she was pleased to share some tips.

This savvy friend said, “I ‘force’ myself to regularly go to conferences, luncheons and other gatherings. I don't really like these events, but the connections made can be very helpful. As an example, I recently was able to find a new job very easily, largely because of a contact I made at a statewide conference 15 years ago. It isn't at the formal presentations where contacts are usually made - it's at the dinners or other social events where everyone begins to relax. Also, the conversations that are most helpful in connecting are not about work, but rather about kids, family and personal interests.”

If you hit the event circuit, try these tips:

• Ask questions. You will be more likely to connect with others if you get them talking about themselves and you listen to the answers.
• Create a goal. You might find it helpful to approach each event with a plan in mind. It can be something as simple as getting three people to talk about their pets.
• Follow up. When you do meet someone interesting, follow up by email or with a note, mentioning the meeting and referring to something from the conversation. Then follow up again – it takes more than one contact for a relationship to begin.
• Help others. Concentrate on assisting others to meet their goals, perhaps by offering to make an introduction or sending along information.