Blog

Number 192

Lorna Jones, my mother, was a stay-at-home mom, then enjoyed working in the communications office of a community college. But she didn’t hit her professional stride until she turned 60 and launched her career as a painter.

She started painting watercolors and gradually shifted to oils. She began taking classes about 1980 and is still at it. She has always sold her paintings easily. But she has kept her prices low and limited the hours she paints because she didn’t want to ruin the fun.

Today, at age 92, Lorna is still selling her paintings as quickly as she can produce them. And she’s finding new strength as an artist. She says that in many ways she has actually had more fun during the last 20 years than at any other period of her life.

Today millions of Americans in their 40s and beyond are thinking about their next careers. Instead of looking ahead to retirement, they want to follow their current jobs with a different kind of professional phase. They hope to create a job/leisure balance that will provide meaning, bring in some money, and allow plenty of flexibility.

One way we learn what kind of life we want is from the example of people who have struck an appealing balance. Whatever your age, I hope you find some good ideas among the lessons I’ve learned from my mother:

• Keep learning. Lorna has been a student throughout her years as an artist. By taking lessons and classes, as well as studying on her own, she has continued to grow as a painter. She also has tried new styles ranging from nudes drawn in pencil or charcoal, to chalk pastel drawings, calligraphy and on-line designs. Work can be exciting for just as long as you challenge yourself to explore new ideas and avenues.
• Enjoy the arts. In addition to her work-related study, Lorna likes to know what other creative people are doing. She reads widely, methodically explores classical music, enjoys writing frequent movie reviews for Netflix, and finds new Apps for her iPad.
• Have younger friends. A great way to keep learning is to continue to make new friends of all ages. Many of Lorna’s friends today are younger than her own children. She says you have to make the effort to create social events and be willing to get out and do things with people younger than you.
• Exercise. Lorna is an avid lifelong gardener and in good weather she works outside for several hours a day. In the winter, she picks up her pace of painting, which may also involve physical activity, particularly when she works with large canvasses. And she walks regularly. She says there’s no getting around it: you have to keep using your body if you want it to serve you for the long haul.
• Don’t let your ailments become hobbies. Like any woman of a certain age, Lorna has her aches and pains. Sometimes they slow her down, but she deals with them, then refocuses on her art, or her garden, or a party. Lorna doesn’t want to obsess about her own health issues, and tries not to hang out with people who just talk about their medical problems.
• Be positive. Lorna chooses to have an upbeat, tolerant attitude, but I think it comes easier to her than to most of us. She says, “I am fairly good natured. Also, I often think that life has many funny moments. Perhaps that helps a bit. And I am not very class conscious because I feel that society has to be made up of all kinds of people. It’s kind of silly to fume about stuff we can’t change.”

Number 191

I grew up believing that the proper way to respond to a compliment was with modesty. If somebody said, “What a pretty dress,” my response was something like, “Oh, this cheap old thing.”

When I was a young lawyer, if I worked long hours on a tough memo and a partner said, “Thanks, you did a nice job,” I was inclined to answer in the same way. I’d belittle my efforts by saying something like, “No big deal” or, “It was really a team effort.”

My typical response was wrong in so many ways. For one thing, it reframed the partner’s assessment of the quality of my work. Instead of reading my mind and understanding that I’d struggled hard to produce a first class draft, the partner would tend to take me at my word and recall the project as not a big deal. Beyond that, when I deflected a compliment I drained the energy from what should have been a positive moment. When the partner offered kind words, I made him feel a little bit bad, instead of a little better. And I denied myself the benefits which a compliment can bring.

It wasn’t until I became a manager myself that I understood how the compliment exchange should go. To your brain, receiving a compliment is a reward, like a little cash, and research suggests that you perform even better after receiving a reward. So your first step after hearing a compliment is to pause for an instant, and get the full value of the moment.

When you do respond, you have two goals: to reinforce the positive evaluation that led to the compliment, and at the same time to make the giver feel good. Here are suggestions for accepting compliments on your work:

• Say “thanks.” Begin your response by saying “thank you.” And sound like you mean it. Even if a little voice in your head says, “I don’t deserve it,” ignore your doubt and express appreciation for the compliment.
• Express pleasure at a job well done. It’s not immodest to acknowledge satisfaction with good work. After saying “thanks,” add a phrase like, “I’m proud of this one,” or “I’m so pleased that I could help.”
• Share the credit. Although you don’t want to deny your contribution, you don’t want to hog the limelight, either. If it truly was a team effort, share the praise. Add a simple comment like, “I couldn’t have done it without Tom – he was terrific.”
• Return the compliment. You can prolong the nice moment by offering a compliment in return. Say something like, “Your good advice made such a difference.” But this only works if your words are sincere. Fake praise can be just another way of declining a compliment.
• Keep it short. When the compliment exchange goes on too long it can become uncomfortable. If the flow of praise feels unending, it’s OK to turn it off with a light comment like, “Aw shucks. That’s enough now. You’re making me blush.”
• Manage your “impostor syndrome.” Sometimes high achievers find it extremely difficult to hear praise, believing they don’t really deserve it. If you feel like an imposter, ignore your discomfort and accept the compliment gracefully. Then try these easy techniques for learning to be comfortable when your work gets rave reviews.

Number 190

A highly qualified professional went after his dream job. Although not yet 30, “Paul” has a solid record of extraordinary career success and he was confident about being the winning candidate. Then he felt devastated when he didn’t get the job. Paul wrote me about the intensity of his reaction.

“I hate how this news makes me feel,” Paul said. “Not only did I miss out on a job that I really wanted, but the company hired someone against whom I stacked up very well.”

“Aside from frustration and sadness, I also have second-order emotions regarding this decision,” Paul said. “Namely, I'm angry at myself for feeling sad and frustrated. These aren't becoming emotions of a gentleman, and certainly I know rationally that they aren't the 'right way' to deal with rejection.”

That was a couple of months ago and Paul is feeling much better. He suggested that his struggles and our dialogue about career rejection might be useful to others trying to get over a career disappointment. These tips helped Paul, and we hope they might help you in handling career rejection:

• Know that pain is normal. As someone who has read a lot of history, Paul realized that all great leaders faced setbacks on their paths to glory. But that knowledge didn’t help him feel better. He was embarrassed about experiencing such pain from something that happens to everyone. “I understand your frustration and the other emotions swirling around,” I said to Paul. “This is a normal passage for all high achievers. Everybody gets rejected eventually and the pain is tougher when you are not used to it.” Knowing it’s OK to feel bad was helpful to Paul, and he chose to let go of those secondary emotions, like guilt for feeling grief.
• Write about your pain. A useful way of dealing with pain is to examine it. When you carefully notice details about your pain, you start to feel some distance from it. I suggested that Paul take notes about his pain. I asked him, “What does it feel like to be sad and frustrated? Describe your feelings precisely? Where do you feel stress in your body? What are your repetitive thoughts? Are you making it worse by projecting what this blow means for the future?”
• Share with your inner circle. A key to Paul’s rapid recovery is the support he received from his partner and a few close friends. “I found it really helpful just to share my anxieties with them because good friends who know you well can help you maintain perspective,” he said.
• Understand what you lost. When you face professional rejection, some of your sadness is a sense of loss because you don’t have the opportunity you sought. But sometimes people feel awful about not getting a job they didn’t even care about. They like winning and feel rejected whether or not they wanted the prize. It may help you refocus on the future if you can be specifically identity what really hurt. Are you mostly concerned about the opportunity, the prestige or the money? The more clearly you understand the cause of your disappointment, the better you will be at articulating and looking toward your next goals.
• Keep a gratitude journal. One of the best antidotes for negative emotion is gratitude. Research has demonstrated that when you feel grateful the part of your brain associated with anxiety quiets down. You can pull yourself out of a bad place by focusing on the things in your life and career that are going well. A useful exercise is to take a few minutes at the end of every day to write about five aspects of your work life for which you’re grateful.
• Be gracious in defeat. While Paul was honest about how he felt with a trusted few, for most of the world he put on his game face and avoided any show of disappointment. That worked out well for him, and one of the executives involved in the negative decision helped make a connection that led to a job that’s an even better fit.