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Dear Friends and Clients,

In a recent conversation, executive coaches were sharing the titles of their favorite books on topics like managing your energy, building business relationships and increasing productivity.

I was particularly interested in recent work by “positive psychologists” and neuroscientists suggesting that we can do much to manage our own levels of happiness and states of mind.

Then one guy commented in a curmudgeonly tone that “you probably can get everything you need from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People.”

I realized that I’d never read anything by Carnegie, the guy who, in the 1930s, inspired America’s love for business self-help books. I decided to see how his work holds up today in the wake of decades of research regarding human behavior.

I found that, while his language sounds quaint, many of Carnegie’s rules continue to provide excellent advice. And that is what I’ll write about in this issue.

Warmly, Bev

Take Carnegie’s Advice
To Win Friends &
Influence People

August 21st, 2007 * Number 65

In his 1936 Introduction to How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote that, if you’re in business, dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face. He said that it is a problem he also faced as he worked his way from being a poor farm boy to a phenomenally successful authority on public speaking.

Carnegie said that when he realized his students shared his need for better interpersonal skills he started reading everything he could find on the topic. Then he interviewed scores of high profile and highly successful people, seeking their best advice on how to be popular and persuasive.

Gradually, Carnegie put together a list of human relations rules that he asked his thousands of his adult students to test. The ultimate result was this enormously popular book, which has sold 15 million copies and for 70 years has offered inspiration to managers, sales personnel and others hoping to climb the ladder of success. Here are several of Carnegie’s rules that have passed the test of time:

Focus on what they want. If you’re trying to get someone to do something, don’t talk about what you want or need. According to Carnegie, “the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.” For example, if you’re trying to make a sale, look at the product from the buyer’s perspective and try to understand what the buyer wants and needs. The single best thing you can take from his book, Carnegie said, is an increased tendency to think in terms of the other person’s point of view.

Give honest and sincere appreciation. We are all hungry for genuine appreciation, Carnegie said. We don’t respond well to dishonest flattery, at least not often, but we all long to have our strong points and true worth recognized. To be popular, and also to be kind, Carnegie suggested that you “try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.”

Make them feel important. Carnegie said that there is one all-important law of human conduct: “always make the other person feel important.” That law, he said, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. He suggested that one way to acknowledge the importance of others in our daily life is to be polite and use phrases like, “I’m sorry to trouble you,” or “would you be so kind as to ___.”

Smile. Carnegie quoted a Chinese proverb: “a man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” Your smile, he said, is a messenger of your goodwill, and smiling is a simple way to make a good impression. Carnegie said that we should smile even when we don’t feel like it, because action and feeling go together. If we smile we’ll feel happier, and those around us may as well.

Be a good listener. An easy way to be a good conversationalist, Carnegie said, is to encourage others to talk about themselves. “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.”

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Criticism is futile, Carnegie said, and doesn’t promote change. Criticism often stirs up emotions, puts people on the defensive and doesn’t inspire new behavior. He said that a better approach is to try to understand where the other person is coming from and then look for opportunities to positively reinforce things they do well.

When you must criticize, be careful. Sometimes leaders must find fault, Carnegie said, but it is better that you do so with finesse. He offered these suggestions for offering criticism:

Start with praise. Begin your comments by focusing on what you appreciate, and only then offer suggestions for improvement.
Talk about your own mistakes. If you start by disclosing your own faults or missteps, Carnegie said, it will become easier for the other person to listen to your criticism of their work.
Avoid giving orders. Nobody likes to take orders, Carnegie said. We don’t like to be told “don’t do X.” Your staff members may be more responsive if you offer a suggestion phrased like: “next time you might try Y.”

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Bev’s Tips for a Better Work Life is published on the first and third Tuesday of each month by Beverly E. Jones of ClearWays Consulting, LLC. Bev is a lawyer and former executive who now coaches accomplished CEO's, public afffairs executives, and other professionals to bring new direction, energy and enjoyment to their work lives.

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