Bev's Tips for a Better Work Life
Bev Jones' twice-monthly ezine offering you suggestions
for making your career more productive and more fun.

Dear Friends and Clients,

Sometimes I worry that when I work with clients I fall victim to the “law of the hammer.” That concept, often attributed to Abraham Maslow, warns about the danger of relying too much on a familiar tool. In other words, "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

Coaching’s most important tool is listening. From the first day of training we work to improve our ability to listen actively, focusing our full attention on a speaker and striving to understand on multiple levels. So perhaps it’s no wonder that often, as clients describe challenges involving personal and professional relationships, I hear myself thinking: “They need to learn how to listen.”

For example, there’s the lawyer whose workdays are made miserable by endless conflicts with her colleagues. And the well meaning leader who has no idea how to motivate her frustrated team. And, of course, the salesman with a great product who can’t seem to close a deal. For each of them, better listening skills could be life changing.

There are many precedents for my preoccupation with listening. Consultants have been advising clients to listen better at least since 1936, when Dale Carnegie urged readers to “listen first” in his classic best seller, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

But what is new is an understanding, brought to us by neuroscience, of just how complex and profound the listening process can be. It turns out that listening can’t be regarded as a single tool.

When we listen carefully we exercise a collection of abilities that allow us to get inside another person’s head, understanding their viewpoint and feeling what they feel. And our listening behavior can make them feel better. In this ezine I’ll talk about a couple of books with new information about the power of listening.

Warm Wishes, Bev


Work Out Your Differences
& Connect With Others
Through Better Listening
October 18, 2011 * Number 157

In “Mirroring People,” neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni writes about groundbreaking research into “mirror neurons,” smart cells in our brains that allow us to understand others. When we watch and listen to other people, these remarkable cells in our brains fire in a way that is synchronized with the cells in their brains.

When we’re fully engaged in a conversation, we imitate each other’s expressions and body language. We even automatically negotiate the meaning of certain words, so that we develop a shared understanding that may differ from dictionary definitions.

Iacoboni says “the words and the actions in a conversation tend to be part of a coordinated, joint activity with a common goal.” In effect, our mirror cells can transport us into another’s mind.

While Iacoboni’s book provides a careful look at the research, in “Just Listen” psychiatrist and coach Mark Goulston draws on science in order to offer practical tips for connecting with other people.

Goulston says that not only do we endlessly mirror other people, but also we desperately need to have others mirror us. He writes, “We constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back.”

In today’s world, Goulston says, most people walk around with a “deep ache” to be seen, heard and understood. So if you can make someone “feel felt,” he says, you can break down barriers and reach others in ways that can be transformative.

A key to getting through to another person is to listen deeply and be genuinely interested in what he or she is saying. According to Goulston, the first step is to “stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can.”

Before you can really listen, you need to get out of your own way. Typically when we meet people we put them in a mental box before we even know them. Our tendency to categorize people creates filters that limit our ability to hear them.

The solution, Goulston says, is to “Think about what you’re thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you’ve formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions.”

When you are able to really listen, you have a tool for dealing with difficult people. Goulston says that most high maintenance, difficult-to-please people feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough. They don’t feel “felt” or important. “People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron receptor deficit, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets.”

In short, Goulston says, “these people are driving you crazy for a simple reason: they need to matter.” If you want them to stop driving you crazy, you’ll need to satisfy that need. A quick fix can be to tell them that what they are saying is important, and thank them, letting them know that they have made a difference in your life.

Want to explore more issues like this? Contact Bev about workshops or seminars for your group. Meanwhile, visit Bev’s website at www.ClearWaysConsulting.com. Check out brief book reviews, ezine archives and Bev’s Blog. If you have questions or suggestions, email to Bev directly.
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Bevs Tips for a Better Work Life is published on the first and third Tuesday of each month by Beverly E. Jones of ClearWays Consulting, LLC. Bev is a lawyer and former executive who now coaches accomplished executives and other professionals to bring new direction, energy and enjoyment to their work lives.

Copyright ©2011, ClearWays Consulting, LLC Beverly E. Jones
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