202.244.3738

Dear Friends and Clients,

Sally is a tax attorney with strong technical skills and a good understanding of the revenue code issues of greatest concern to the large company where she works. Although she loves being a tax lawyer and is proud of her work, sometimes she was miserable at the office and exhausted when she got home.

In Sally’s view, her problem was that she was stuck working with mean, inconsiderate people. But these days, while she still has few interests in common with her coworkers, she is feeling better about being part of the team.

The big change is not in Sally’s coworkers, but rather in the way she interprets their behavior. For example, Sally is a quiet-spoken vegetarian and her colleagues love raucous lunches at the steakhouse next door. In the old days, Sally was insulted if she wasn’t included in lunch invitations and sulky if she accompanied a group intent on eating beef.

The difference is that Sally now understands that her colleagues’ manners and taste aren’t always about her. She makes an effort to get along, and even when her feelings do get hurt she can often just let it go. In other words, Sally has changed the way she interprets others’ behavior. She’s more open to others’ viewpoints. And when she does encounter rudeness, she is better at forgetting about it and moving on.

Sally has worked hard to implement a strategy for coping with rude behavior at the office. Rudeness is a growing workplace issue, and in this issue I’ll offer suggest ways you can keep your colleagues’ bad manners from getting you down.

Warm wishes,
Bev

Are your colleagues rude?
Don’t let it ruin your life!

September 16, 2008 * Number 88

Surveys suggest that we encounter more rude behavior than 20 or even 10 years ago. In the workplace, the rising tide of incivility seems to be linked to a growing number of workers who are chronically angry. Impatient and inconsiderate behavior also may be associated with technology that contributes to a sense that we have to hurry.

Rudeness at the office can be exhausting for you and costly for your organization. In one study, more than half the respondents said that they are sometimes distracted or unproductive because of the angry or rude behavior of colleagues.

There’s no simple explanation for others’ inconsiderate behavior, and no easy formula for avoiding the impact. But some people handle rudeness more adeptly than others, and you can take steps to minimize the stress you feel because of the proliferation of bad manners. If you want to address issues related to rudeness at the office, consider these points:

Know when it’s not about you. By definition, “rudeness” means that one person is treating another without consideration. Sometimes rudeness is intended to show a lack of respect for a specific individual, but often people go through life in a state of rudeness that is unfocused. These folks never learned good manners and they aren’t sensitive to other people. If you have colleagues like this, don’t waste your energy feeling hurt or offended by the way they act or speak. Recognize that it’s not about you, and learn how to let it go.
Practice compassion. When people behave badly it may be because they are feeling anxious, rushed or overwhelmed. Pause before you respond and try to listen to them with empathy and see their perspective. When you must disagree, do so graciously and without getting mad.
Get to know your colleagues. Invest time and energy in getting to know the people with whom you work. Road rage is an example of what can happen when we must interact with other people without actually knowing them. It can be easy to dis strangers, but when people become closer they may treat each other with more kindness and tolerance. And if you have friends at work you’ll have a source of support when you do encounter meanness or obnoxious manners.
Be contagious. Anger can be contagious, but so can civility. You can impact the tone of your workplace by consistently treating others with consideration and respect. Work on being positive, pay attention to others’ needs, and frequently thank or validate your team members.
Raise a few issues without anger. While often the best way to respond to rudeness is to turn the other cheek, you don’t have to tolerate behaviors that actually disrupt your ability to get the job done. You can’t change everything but you can address specific issues like tardiness, excessive noise or cell phone interruptions. One strategy is to calmly approach your colleague and tactfully explain how his or her behavior is interfering with your efficiency or peace of mind. Another is to instigate a more general discussion about workplace standards, working toward shared rules for getting along together.
Ignore bullies. Sometimes rudeness is in fact targeted at specific individuals. The term “bullying” in human resource circles describes people who abuse victims unlikely to defend themselves, using tactics like taunts, snubs, withholding information or setting up failure. Bullying can be subtle, making it difficult for victims to convince management about what is happening. If you have an office bully, here are suggestions for dealing with him or her:
- Avoid the bully. Stay out of Bully’s way as much as you can, and try not to get into arguments.
- Stay cool. When you must interact, don’t let Bully know that you’re upset – bullies thrive on getting reactions. Stay as detached as possible.
- Seek advice. Don’t make a big deal about the problem with your teammates, but discuss it with a trusted mentor or colleague. Get feedback on your interpretation of the facts, and seek advice about next steps.
- Take notes. Many organizations are becoming concerned about patterns of bullying behavior. Keep a record of specific incidents, in case the situation reaches a point where you want to build a harassment case.

Want More Insights Related to Your Work Life? In addition to providing executive coaching, Bev is available to speak to your group about a broad range of issues related to productivity and leadership. For reviews of helpful books and an extensive archive of Bev’s newsletters, go to Bev's Website Visit her website at www.ClearWaysConsulting.com or email to Bev directly. Bev is associated with Executive Coaching & Consulting Associates.

Bev’s Tips for a Better Work Life is published on the first and third Tuesday of each month by Beverly E. Jones of ClearWays Consulting, LLC. Bev is a lawyer and former executive who now coaches accomplished executives and other professionals to bring new direction, energy and enjoyment to their work lives.

All rights in all media reserved. However, the content of Bev’s Tips for a Better Work Life may be forwarded in full without special permission on the condition that (1) it is for non-profit use and (2) full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other uses please contact Bev Jones.

Our address is: 2925 43rd Street, NW, Washington, DC 20016.